


Sore Wa Yappari Kimi Deshita ~An Arashi Story~

by zeon_avalanthe



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-10-17 05:23:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10587324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeon_avalanthe/pseuds/zeon_avalanthe
Summary: It was a normal day with their last concert of this year's tour to come.. But why Aiba suddenly say he wants to quit Arashi ?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Title was inspired by Ninomiya Kazunari's solo of the same title: Sore Wa Yappari Kimi Deshita.

*Nino’s Side*  
  
It was yet another fantastic day for us. The very last concert on our tour, which happened to be Aiba’s birthday too. We threw him a surprise party mid-way, of course, and the man was crying all over us four, leaving trails of tears and snots on our costumes. Thank God it wasn’t my personal attire. That man really has to control his emotion sometimes.  
  
It’s nearing the end of our concert, and I’m almost relieved, because I could finally lie down on the couch and kill all the fatigues away. Everything went on normally. We’re giving our usual speech one by one. Sho-chan finished his speech with a deep bow before handing the baton to Riida. It’s almost my turn, and I’m seriously thinking of words to be spoken because it’s always hard to speak after Aiba-shi’s random blabbering. I have to take the fans back to track after Aiba-shi’s misleading speech after all.  
  
Riida is finally done with his speech and walking back to exchange places with Aiba, eyes red with unshed tears. Riida has been a crybaby lately, always getting emotional over looking back to our history. Perhaps it’s his age coming to him. I have to make sure I tell him that later on.  
  
And that’s when I realized that the venue is dead silent. I somehow heard Aiba-chan giving his customary ‘Thank you very much for today’s round sometimes before, but since then, the man had said no word. I turned around, seeing the other three on my right doing the same to find out what’s wrong with Aiba. But there’s nothing wrong with him. At least that’s what we see. The man simply standing on the middle of the stage, his mic on his hands, head looking down. It was hard to see, but I catch a glimpse of him closing his eyes.  
  
‘ _Don’t tell me.’_  
  
“Oi, Aiba-kun ! Are you going to talk or what ?”  
  
It was J who first called out to him. It was always J. Despite his stoic attitude, he’s actually the one who cares about us the most. I’m sure that eventhough he said them in an annoyed manner, he was actually worried about our tallest member.  
  
Aiba had seemed to take his words as a cue though, because he then took a deep breath and lift his head. And when he speak, his voice is so hoarse that we started to tease him, again.  
  
“Everyone, I thank you again for today. I have had a really great time.”  
  
“Aiba-san, what’s wrong with your voice ?” I said almost immediately. And suddenly, a sense of Deja Vu washing over me.  
  
But unlike usual, he doesn’t talk back at me. Instead, he gave an apologetic bow and said that he was sorry.  
  
“I’m sorry for this.” He said, pointing to his throat. “This is one of the best day in my life. I will never forget this day for the rest of my life.”  
  
I was curious at the unusualness, but decided to let it go for now as I exchange look with J and we all turned back to our original position, giving Aiba-chan time to do his speech of gratitude toward the fans and of how he was having a great time.  
  
“This might be the last time of me, to be able to stand here in front of you, with these amazing four men behind me, to show you the best show of the world.”  
  
I almost snapped my neck when I turned back around fast –too fast- after Aiba said those words. What could he possibly mean by that ? On my right, I saw the other three having the same bewildered look on their faces. Aiba-chan has the tendency to speak randomly, but no matter how you see it, the Aiba who is standing here seemed serious and know exactly what he’s saying. And the four of us, are as confused as the fans are.  
  
“I actually have an important announcement to make today.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Starting from April next year, I will quit my activities in the entertainment world, and that would also mean I will quit from Arashi as well.”  
  
***  
  
*Sho’s Side*  
  
The crowd are in a roar as soon as those words left Aiba-kun’s lips. And the four of us were no better. I watched how MatsuJun marched forward and demand an explanation from the tallest. Riida looked more awake than he had ever been in his entire life, mouth agape in utter surprise. And Nino, Nino just looked beaten, and betrayed. For most of his life, he had been with Aiba-kun, so it was only natural that he’s the one who took the most damage in this sudden announcement. After all, no one seems to know what’s going on. Even the staffs looked like they’re at lost.  
  
What about me ? Well, I can’t even describe the state of my mind by then. My head is in a chaos. I think my brain short-circuited at the sudden news. I even believe some of my brain cells died. It was a mixture of surprise, anger, confusion, and many other feelings I don’t know the name of. All I could do was to stand there like a stone, mouth probably open as wide as –if not wider than- Ohno-kun.  
  
MatsuJun keep on reprimanding the man, but Aiba-kun only pushed him gently to the side, whispering some words softly to his ears which miraculously sending MatsuJun back to his position, head hung low. Now the four of us are no longer back-to-back with Aiba-kun. We’re now facing his back, waiting eagerly for him to explain the situation.  
  
“I’m sorry, I really am. It must have been a surprise.” Aiba-kun started with an apology. “The press-conference should be held this upcoming January, but I thought you guys should know first, so I asked Johnny-san if I could relay the message here today, and he told me yes.”  
  
_‘And you think you don’t need to tell us before you tell anyone else, Aiba-chan ?’_ I asked inside my head, but stop myself for voicing it out. Not yet, I tell myself.  
  
“It had been a wonderful 16 years of my life. To be a part of Arashi, and performing on stage and sending smiles to you guys. But everything comes to an end eventually, and it seems to me, that this is the end of my journey with Arashi. And it’s only because of you guys, and these four wonderful men here, that I can come this far.” Aiba made a short pause before continuing. “But that doesn’t mean that it’s the end for Arashi, too. Arashi will keep on living and showing you many great things, and I will always be their fan. So please, eventhough Arashi is changed to a group of four, I hope you can still continue to support Arashi and shower them with your love. And who knows, they might have started a recruitment for the fifth member before you know it.” Aiba-kun surely meant it as a joke, but no one laugh at that.  
  
“I have made so many mistakes in the past, and I might have hurted you, too. All through Arashi’s history, I only remembered being a hindrance and making a ruckus here and there. I haven’t been the perfect idol for you, but you have been so kind to keep on supporting me up until now. All I have is my gratitude to you all. To Arashi’s fans, to all the staffs, to our manager, to our dance instructor, and to everyone I’ve ever known. And most of all...” Aiba-kun then turned back and looked at us. A smile, his never-ending, warm and beautiful smile, on his face. “I would like to thank you guys, for always being by my side no matter what, supporting me, helping me up when I was down, giving me the strength to smile even in my darkest moment. Thank you, thank you so much.”  
  
Aiba-kun then gave us the deepest and probably longest bow to us four. But none of us could react for a while. We could only stare at his bent down figure dumbfoundedly, probably thinking the same thing that this might just be a part of a dokkiri* somehow.  
  
But when no one came out from behind us with a big panel of the trademark ‘Huge Success’ mark, when the screen stay blank, when Aiba-kun kept on bowing, only then we realized that it was no joke. Faintly, throughout my moment of surprise, I can hear someone speaking on my earphone. And only after the numerous call of ‘Sakurai Sho’ in many variations that I realized it was actually Johnny-san himself speaking.  
  
I make a gesture that I heard him, urging the man to continue, and that’s when his deep and old voice spoke rather brokenly on my ears,  
  
“Get him up, Sho. Get him up and finish the show. End this show with blinding performance as a show everyone will remember. Make this last concert the best of yous.”  
  
***  
  
*Jun’s Side*  
  
Surprise was an understatement.  
  
When Aiba-chan suddenly announced his graduation, I was beyond surprise. I was more angry than surprise. Angry at Aiba-chan for keeping silent about this. Angry at Johnny-san for not telling us a thing despite knowing. But mostly, I’m angry at myself for not noticing at all.  
  
Aiba-chan had been the same. He was our easy-going, all sunshine Aiba-chan who can always make our darkest days bright. With his seemingly misplaced jokes and infectionous giggles, we know better that Aiba-chan is most probably the most considerate member among us five. He never tell us his worries and fears, always masking them with his thousand-watt-smiles, assuring us that everything is okay even when they’re not.  
  
And that was why, even when we sensed that something is off with Aiba-chan, we tend to shrug it off, thinking that the man will somehow take care of it himself and return to his usual happy-go-lucky persona in no time. That’s just the way it is between us and Aiba-chan. He told us that we are the reason he can come this far, while in fact it was his strength which assure us that we can go anywhere.  
  
Now that Aiba-chan will be gone, I’m not sure if we can even keep going like he said we will.  
  
I tried to ask for a reason, of course, not caring about what others might think about me for once. But Aiba-chan persisted, only pushing me aside with gentleness only Aiba-chan possess, and whispering words of ‘It’s okay’s again and again until I realize that my attempt to find answer right now and then was futile. So I retreated back to my original position, resigning to Aiba-chan’s plot.  
  
I noticed the reactions of the other three. Riida and Sho-kun are most probably more surprised than anything, but Nino- Nino and I and Aiba-chan and Toma had been friends since forever. But between us four, Nino had always been especially close with Aiba-chan. Aiba-chan was the only person who never took Nino’s sarcastic remarks to heart, and instead of pushing him away for being mean, Aiba-chan pulled Nino closer. It was as if, Aiba-chan had long since known the reason why Nino was so apathetic toward people and wanted to teach him that the world is not always grey if you look better. And with.. _this_ , I can’t even figure how Nino feels.  
  
I try to digest Aiba-chan’s words as he speaks, but not a word is registered within my mind. My brain is racing through the many possibilities of this sudden change of heart. Aiba-chan always said that Arashi will last forever, with these five people until we all get old and can’t dance anymore. So why did he decided to quit now ?  
  
Suddenly, Aiba-chan turn back at us, sending us his brightest smile, telling us how much he thanked us for everything, and giving us a deep bow. I’m at lost at his act. I have no idea what to do now. And before I could comprehend the situation fully, Sho-kun already made a move forward and engulf Aiba-chan in a tight hug. He said nothing, and just keep on hugging Aiba-chan tighter and tighter until the taller man protested that he couldn’t breath.  
  
That was when Sho-kun released Aiba-chan from his death-hug and we can finally see his face. Sho-kun’s eyes with the many emotional turbulance as he takes a proper look on Aiba-chan who simply smiles back at him, and the rest of us. I really thought that Aiba-chan has his last words he needed to say, but it was Sho-kun who pick his mic first and, in a voice so strained we all thought he was about to cry, he spoke.  
  
“Let’s stop this tear-jerking moment for now, shall we ? After all, we still have Nino and MatsuJun to do their speeches. Don’t you think so, Aiba-chan ?”  
  
And Aiba-chan just nodded.  
  
***  
  
*Riida’s Side*  
  
When Aiba-chan and Nino trade places, for once, Nino does not answer Aiba-chan’s high-five and simply ignoring him as he took his spot. I saw how Aiba-chan smiled bitterly as he, along with the three of us returned to our original position. Nino gave his speech fluidly, without messing with his words or showing any kind of emotion after the sudden announcement Aiba-chan just made. And that’s when I know, all over again, how great of an actor Nino is.  
  
I know very well that Nino must have felt betrayed now, that’s why he put up an indifferent mask to cover his anger. And usually, when Nino is mad and come to our meeting with this kind of attitude, we will simply let him be, because we know that sooner or later, the ice-wall Nino built around himself will melt down, mostly thanks to Aiba-chan’s endless whines and pouts which eventually made Nino snap, marking the moment their beloved Nino had returned.  
  
But this time, Aiba-chan is the very reason of Nino’s anger. I’m not sure the same trick will work this time. And I’m not even sure if Aiba-chan will even try this time. I’m starting to worry the future of Arashi from now on. None of us will be the same after Aiba-chan leave.  
  
I watch how Nino finished his speech with a bow before exchanging place with MatsuJun. The always stoic and cool MatsuJun for once, looking like he’s at lost. Sho-kun tried to encourage him by telling him ‘It’s okay, MatsuJun, you can do it.’ And though it seems like the words do little to his outburst of emotion, it was enough to bring a smile back to Jun’s face before he starts his speech.  
  
For the most part, MatsuJun seems like he could contain himself and do his job properly in delivering his message to the fans. But as he gives his last bow and is about to introduce the next song, we can hear his voice quivering.  
  
“Please listen to our song. 5x10.”  
  
And at that point, we all realize, that after this day, there will be 5x10 no more. The company might just replace Aiba-chan with someone else, or force us to keep on going as four, but Arashi will never be the same Arashi everyone came to know without Aiba-chan. We might fall apart, we might be disbanded soon after Aiba-chan’s graduation, and people will be in an uproar, but they will forget us before long, eventually. Soon, Arashi will only be a part of the past that no one bothers to bring back anymore. And I seriously don’t want that to happen. Eventhough I was doing everything half-assed-ly during the few first years of Arashi, Arashi is my everything now. It’s my life. I can’t afford to lose it. I just can’t.  
  
I know it ! I will try to talk with Aiba-chan and stop him from quitting. Then perhaps we can still prevent the worst case scenario from happening. Just right in time. Aiba-chan is looking at me now. It’s my chance now.  
  
But when Aiba-chan is right in front of me, singing his part like there is tomorrow, I was speechless when it was my turn to sing. I can only let Sho-chan handle the situation and take over as I and Aiba-chan are looking at each other.  
  
_“Demo anata ga ite kureta kara, sono egao attakakattakara.”_  
  
It was the same moment Aiba-chan closes in to me, and whispered ever-so-meaningfully into my ears.  
  
“You’re the Leader, right ? It’s time to act like one now and make sure that Arashi will remain Arashi even from now on. I believe you can do it, Leader. You’re our proudful and amazing Leader, after all.”  
  
And when he pulled away and joining the others for the chorus, I feel a smile spreading on my lips.  
  
_‘Yeah. Just leave it on me.’_


	2. Chapter 2

*Sho’s Side*  
  
It’d been almost a month since Aiba-kun’s surprising announcement at our concert, and it was only yesterday did he hold the press-conference. The four of us are having our different jobs that day, so we didn’t attend. Except for Riida who had the day off and decided to accompany Aiba-kun to the press-conference. I watched the whole thing in my dressing room while waiting for Zero to start shooting, though, and from there I pretty much figured that Riida acted more as an emotional support than anything because he barely talk at all.  
  
Aiba-kun didn’t really mention the reason of why he decided to quit though. He only told the press that it was because of his personal problem and said no more even when the media were so eager in fishing out for more details. Watching him handling the conference calmly got me thinking of the Aiba-kun we usually see. I thought he would be all nervous and giggly, messing on his words every here and there like how Aiba-kun usually did. But seeing him so, mature, I was reminded to a day when MatsuJun scolded Aiba-kun to grow up and stop being so clumsy. That day, the respond we get was beyond expectation.  
  
 _“But then again, I will lose a character and destroy our fans’ image of what they thought of me. I can’t help but be clumsy and foolish all the time, MatsuJun. That’s how people expected of me.”_  
  
No one dare to oppose Aiba-kun for almost a week after that. Until Nino scolded Aiba-kun that his words the previous time had scared the rest of us away, in which Aiba-kun just laughed away. It was then we realized how deep Aiba-kun actually is. And Nino had probably known much sooner, judging from the small, almost unnoticeable exchange between the two bestfriends during the quiet week.  
  
“So I guess this is who you really are, eh ?”  
  
And the moment those words came out from my lips, realization hit me.  
  
“Coud it be, that the reason you quit was because you can’t stay to be the character you meant to be any longer ? That you’re tired of pretending and putting on a mask all the time ? If so, Aiba-chan, couldn’t we just talk it off and find another solution ?” A dreadful thought then came across me. “Or could it be, that it’s _us_ you’re sick of ?”  
  
Yesterday had been one of the most tiring day on my life. After watching the conference, shooting Zero and re-watching the cuts of the conference, getting asked of my opinion on it, it took me my everything to control myself from bursting. And as I finally returned home, lying on my bed, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep, even when I’m physically spent. Many thoughts coming and before I could stop myself, I already made hundreds of a ‘What if’ scenarios before fatigue eats me away and bring me to a restless sleep.  
  
It doesn’t help that we have VS Arashi shooting today, too. And it’s my birthday. I dragged my feet to the shooting location where most of Arashi members already there, except for Nino. MatsuJun only glanced up from his script to acknowledged me, and Riida waved a weak hand to greet me. Aiba-chan gave me his usual cheerful ‘Good morning’ and I found myself replying less enthusiastically.  
  
No one questioned about why Nino is still missing even when we only have five more minutes before the filming. It had been like this since that day. Nino refusing to be in the same room with Aiba-kun for more than needed, so he tend to show up at the last minute, with only two or three minutes left to change and do his make-up.  
  
On a day everyone needed to take longer time to prepare ourself, Aiba-kun will come extra early and leave somewhere even before I could put my bag on the table. And Nino will came earlier that day, sighing in relief whenever he noticed that Aiba-kun is not around and proceeded to do his make-up.  
  
Nino’s remarks have changed as well. He’s less sarcastic toward Aiba-kun now. Or more precisely, he mostly ignored Aiba-kun even when he did something foolish. And he mostly refused to be seated next to our tallest member, unless an insensitive director forced him to. It’s as if, Nino is building a wall between him and Aiba-kun now. And when usually Aiba-kun would do every tricks to break that wall, this time he simply smile and do nothing. It was Riida who seemed to try to get closer to Nino and try to cheer him up instead.  
  
Aiba-kun already left the room when Nino arrived. Again, a relieved sigh escaped his thin lips as he realized that Aiba-kun is not around. He quickly changed his outfit and let the stylist do his make-up and hair-do. In only three minutes, he’s ready to go. Aiba-kun is already waiting by the entrance, talking animatedly with one of the AD when we came. He smiled at us when he noticed us coming, before taking his place and waiting for their cue.  
  
I was paired up with Aiba-kun for cliff-climb today. And for the first time in a long while, I noticed Aiba-kun looking more exhausted than he had ever been after climbing the 6-metres wall. And he’s actually only doing the chin. But the games goes on and Aiba-kun seemed to have returned to normal by the next game. So I figure that perhaps it was also the emotional fatigue working before. After all, he was only having a press-conference yesterday. And if I felt tired only by watching, Aiba-kun must have felt so much more.  
  
We’re currently taking a break from our first recording and taking our lunch leisurely when Aiba-kun suddenly speak up.  
  
“Hey, how about going out for barbeque tonight ? It’s Sho-chan’s birthday so we should celebrate !” He told us excitedly.  
  
Nino stared at him skeptically before returning to his food.  
  
“We’re not kids anymore. And I’m tired. I’d rather go home.” Our brat shot back coldly.  
  
“It can be fun.” Ohno-kun shrugged his shoulders. “We should go.”  
  
Nino send daggers to Riida’s direction now.  
  
“Don’t wanna.” He insisted. “J thought so as well.”  
  
“Actually,” MatsuJun spoke up. “I don’t think it’s that bad of an idea. We never really hung out, just the five of us. And,” He hesitated for a moment. “This might be the last time we can spend time as a group anyway.”  
  
“Nonsense !” Aiba-kun chirruped. “We’ll have lots of parties after this !”  
  
Nino just rolled his eyes. “Suit yourself. I’m not coming.”  
  
“Ow, come on, Nino-chaa~n.” Aiba-kun whined. His very first whine toward Nino in a while. “Do it for me ? I swear this is my last demand !” He put his palms together and beg.  
  
“As if.” Nino scoffed. “You’ll just come the next day and start ‘Nino, please do this !’ and ‘Nino, please come with me !’ stuffs on me.”  
  
I feel almost glad, that by only with that one remark from Aiba-kun, the ice around Nino seemed to have broken a little. But when Aiba-kun speak again, I almost can’t believe my own ears.  
  
“I won’t. I promise this is the last.” Aiba-kun told Nino, voice strained as if he was trying to tell something he cannot tell, eyes glistened with unshed tears. And Nino was too taken aback to react. He just keep on looking at Aiba-kun’s way even when Aiba-kun already break their eye-contacts, trying, and perhaps failing, to find out the truth behind those chocolate orbs.  
  
“Fine, fine.” Nino give up eventually. “It’s Sho-san paying after all. I have no room to complaint.”  
  
***  
  
By the end of the day, only Aiba-kun is awake enough to take care of the rest of us. The three Arashi members had went all out in ordering the most expensive foods and asking for ‘more beers’ please every five minutes, knowing that everything is on me. I was carefully counting my bills, before I threw my hands up and just focus myself on eating. Screw the bills. I have loads on my account to last me a lifetime anyway.  
  
Strangely enough, Aiba-kun didn’t even order a single cup of beer. And he even picked his food carefully. He mostly listened to our conversations and laughed at proper times, while checking on his watch every once in a while. I almost asked him about it once, before the drunk MatsuJun came at me and told me to eat and eat and eat. And before long, I lost myself and no longer aware of what’s going on.  
  
The next thing I know, is that I’m waking up on an unfamiliar futon in an unfamiliar house. But as I focused my eyes through my hung-over, I realized that I’m currently at Aiba-kun’s house. I looked around me and found the other three Arashi members sprawling all about on the floor, with Aiba-kun himself was nowhere to be found.  
  
I stood up and begin to search our patron, finding him by the counter of the kitchen, back facing me. I was about to call out for him when I noticed him having a phone on his ear, a sign that he’s talking with someone else. I never meant to eavesdrop, I swear, I just happened to be there when Aiba-kun spoke.  
  
“I know. No, I didn’t. I made sure I watch my food properly, there’s no need to worry so much, Mum.”  
  
It seems like he’s talking with his mother.  
  
“I will. When everything is settled here, I will return to Chiba soon, where you can fuss over me all you want.” He said with a sigh. “Mum, I think we’ve talked about this before ? I won’t take it. I mean, is there really a difference between taking it and not taking it ? In the end, I will leave for good anyway.”  
  
Aiba-kun looked like he’s exasperated after he said those words.  
  
“Mum, please don’t cry. Not again. This is what it should be, and I said that I’m okay with it, right ? So, please, at the very least, don’t cry and help me through this strong.”  
  
Millions of thoughts have passed through my head of what could Aiba-kun possibly mean by his words. And none of them is good.  
  
“Yeah, I love you too, Mum. See you soon. Tell Dad and Yuusuke I love them, too. Bye.”  
  
It was when Aiba-kun ended his call that he turned around and realized my presence there. His eyes immediately widened in surprise with a little hint of panic, but he recomposed himself as he gives me a smile.  
  
“Good morning, Sho-chan ! How are you feeling ?” He chirps happily as he bounces to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.  
  
“What do you expect ?” I sigh tiredly before reaching out for the water bottle and gulping it down gratefully.  
  
“Bad hung-over, yeah ?” Aiba-kun added apologetically before proceeding to pick a frying pan. “Go lie back for a minute. I will prepare some light breakfast for you guys. Make sure the four of you are awake when I’m done !” Re-opening the fridge, Aiba-kun takes out some eggs and a variety of vegetables, humming one of Arashi’s song in the process.  
  
But instead of going back to the living room like Aiba-kun instructed, I decided to stay there and watch Aiba-kun’s every moves carefully. And the taller man, realizing that he’s being inspected, sigh as he turned off the stove and turned back at me.  
  
“Okay, Sho-chan. You better speak and make it quick. What is it ?” He demands.  
  
I only give him a shrug before walking closer to the kitchen counter and sat by the cream stool opposite of Aiba-kun.  
  
“I don’t know, Aiba-kun. You tell.” I tell him.  
  
“What do you mean by ‘you tell’ ?” Aiba-kun frowned, though beads of nervous sweat had already fell down on his face.  
  
“I might be having a serious case of hung-over,” I pause for a moment. “But that doesn’t make me deaf. I heard about what you were talking about with your mother. And I was wondering what is it that your mother so concerned about that she cried.”  
  
I stare at Aiba-kun straight in the eyes, and he stares back. For a couple of nerve-wrecking minutes, we are being stubborn and keep this staring game, that is before Aiba-kun averted his eyes and gave a long sigh.  
  
“It’s nothing for you to worry about, Sho-chan. You know how my mother is, she cries over the stupidest thing.” Aiba-kun try to reasoned, but I don’t buy his excuse.  
  
“But you never tell her to stop everytime she cried. And you did, just now. And being told that his son will be leaving for good, it was no wonder at all for her to cry.” I shot back at him, eyes still firm on his figure.  
  
Aiba-kun let out a sigh, again.  
  
“It’s nothing, really. Nothing for you to worry about, Sho-chan.” He tried again, and I was about to argue, but he stopped me by putting his hand in front of me. “It’s, rather personal. I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone outside of my family just yet. So, please, please understand me and stop asking any further.”  
  
“I thought we’re family ?” I whispered, sounding hurt.  
  
“We are.” Aiba-kun smiles. “But it’s different this time. And I hope you’d understand.”  
  
I keep on looking at Aiba-kun without saying a word after that, contemplating to give in for now and wait for Aiba-kun to tell us himself when he’s ready, or keep on pestering him until he speak. But a tired smile forming on Aiba-kun’s lips as he stood up overwhelmed me in a second, and all thoughts seem to just fade away. And I let him go, for now.  
  
I wish I didn’t.


	3. Chapter 3

*Nino’s Side*  
  
I don’t even know why I was so angry before. At first I blamed it on Aiba and his sudden graduation announcement. But later on, I figured out that I’m more frustated by the fact that he will leave me –us- and I found myself unable to be with him for too long without bursting. And the idiot didn’t help either because he seemed like he respected me for once and decided that it was best to give me a space.  
  
But things returned to normal after that, after the five of us partied for Sho-san’s birthday, as normal as things can go in our current situation. Aiba is having his last drama now, and he’s doing whatever he could to make this drama the best piece he ever played on.  
  
Whenever Aiba-shi appeared in a drama, his character will most likely portrays one or more of his original traits. It might be his own character blending with his role, or the Directors simply wanted them that way, for his character to have this certain resemblance with Aiba himself.  
  
But it’s different this time. The protagonist in his drama is a man with a trust issue who is emotionally unstable. It’s entering the second episode, and I can see how deep Aiba-shi can get when he wants to. Amano Natsume, the character he’s acting on, is the exact opposite of Aiba Masaki. And funnily enough, I sometimes feared Aiba-shi when we meet because I caught a glimpse of Natsume within him. It could be my imagination playing on me though.  
  
We’re having a CD release, too, to commemorate Aiba’s appearance on the drama, as usual. The song kinda reminded me of Truth, with it’s dark and mysterious feel. The lyrics are also deep, telling about a person who is lost inside a never-ending labyrinth and drowned in his self-misery. The song left the outcome of the man’s journey to it’s listeners’ imagination, of whether they want the man to be freed from the maze, or stucked inside it forever.  
  
As I enter the green room to prepare myself for the PV shooting, only then I realized that this would be Arashi’s last single as 5. And the many bouquets of ‘Otsukaresama-deshita, Aiba Masaki-sama’ only emphasized the truth.  
  
I felt something inside of me clenched, but then I remind myself that this is not exactly the last time we’ll ever meet each other. Still, I’m so going to miss Aiba-shi here. Not that I will ever tell a soul about it, though.  
  
We proceed to the shooting and finish them fast enough, and the staffs are sending us a pleased look as we passed them by. I have to admit, this PV might be the best out of their previous PVs. Perhaps it was the fact that Aiba will leave Arashi soon which gave us motivation to give more than we ever gave to this piece. And looking back, to those times we felt so lost ourselves, I believe we manage to put our hearts into the PV more than ever.  
  
A series of ‘We’re going to miss you, Aiba-chan’ and ‘Thank you for your hardworks up until now, Aiba-kun’ awaited us as we are about to leave the studio. Bowing his head and thanking the people back, Aiba finally arrived at our van after thirty minutes of struggling through the crowd.  
  
“You’re late.” I quickly snapped as soon as his head is seen.  
  
“Sorry.” He just muttered slowly before climbing into the van and took his seat.  
  
I was about to snap back but Aiba looked too tired and spent I actually felt a little sorry for him. But it worries me. Aiba-chan was never too tired no matter what we’ve done. Even after a series of tough and challenging shoot which consumed most of our physical power, Aiba-chan will still be able to jump up and down as we had the trip home. That’s why it felt so, weird, to have him sitting still like he’d climbed a mountain and back, and telling us he’ll sleep the trip off.  
  
Perhaps it was just not his day. I assured myself as I, too, go to sleep.  
  
***  
  
The last episode of Aiba-chan’s last drama will be shown tonight, and Aiba-chan is having his last round of drama-promotions this morning. He takes the chance to also announce that today will be his last day as an entertainer, that the last episode of the drama will be a closing of his career in this line of business.  
  
He apologizes to everyone, again, and tell them how much he’s thankful for their endless supports up until now. He almost cry, once, in a special interview with ZIP! where he expresses how much he’s going to miss Arashi after this. The interviewer, Masu-san, tried to prod for more information, as to why Aiba decided to quit, but Aiba-chan only said that it was out of a personal issue. The same answer he had been given these past few months every time he was asked that very question.  
  
I feel like crying myself, because when Aiba himself saying that he will quit Arashi starting from tomorrow, it feels like he’s going to leave somewhere far where we couldn’t reach him. And it hurts. I know Aiba will still be around, though, and the farthest he will be gone to is his hometown Chiba.  
  
It was a little strange actually. Johnny-san usually forbids all his talents from contacting resigned idols, no matter how close they were before that idol resigned. Like with Akanishi-kun. Johnny-san was in rage when he caught YamaP still hanging around the man even after he’s banished from Johnny’s and Associates. The same happened to Tanaka Koki and many other idols who gave up with Johnny’s along the way.  
  
But this time, Johnny-san even personally came to our dressing room, on the day we filmed Arashi Ni Shiyagare as ‘four’, and also Aiba’s last day in the entertainment world, to personally tell us that eventhough Aiba is no longer a part of Arashi, we are still friends and we should keep in touch with each other even after today. But what left most impression to me was the face Johnny-san made when he was about to leave the room. It was the fact that he looked, apologetic and even sympathetic, as he told us to work hard. It was too strange to ignore, and the four of us shared a thought that it was actually pretty disturbing.  
  
We were slightly relieved though. Because we were afraid that Johnny-san only come to reprimand us that we should stay away from Aiba from now on. And we have actually promised the man that we’re going to spend at least the day of our each birthdays together, if not more. We only agreed on the spur of the moment because Aiba was so excited of the idea and we couldn’t say now.  
  
We’re glad we don’t have to break our promise.  
  
***  
  
Time passes, and before I know it, it’s already June. My birthday is nearing, and I remember Aiba’s words that we should spend our birthdays together at least, but I dare not to hope. It’d been two months since the four of us last saw Aiba, and I doubt he’ll come up just for my birthday. But Jun said we should celebrate anyway, because he felt like we still need to do it.  
  
Our group activities went on surprisingly fine, though. People keep on asking us about how we felt about Aiba’s departure and the reason behind his departure. And we always give them the same practiced answers over and over again. That we’re doing fine and that we’re still friends after all and that we’ve been told that Aiba-kun’s reason to leave was because of a personal issue and not because there is a rift within Arashi.  
  
Tomorrow’s finally my birthday and the four of us surprisingly have a day off. We’re going according to the plan still, that we will meet at the same restaurant where we spent Sho-san’s birthday at 6 p.m. . I have no plan for the day and decided to play some games at home while waiting for the promised time.  
  
It’s 5.30 p.m. the next day and I’m currently picking up some casual clothes I’m going to wear for our party. I’ve received a mail from Jun that Aiba-chan has yet to tell any of them that he’ll be coming. I ignore his mail. I had expected that much. After all, there’s no way Aiba will suddenly come out of the blue after the many weeks of no contacts with any of them.  
  
That’s why I was more than surprised to find Aiba already waiting inside the restaurant at the exact position he was at Sho-chan’s birthday. And judging from the other three reactions, I can say they feel the same.  
  
“Hey ! I’ve been waiting, guys !” The man chirped lightly as he signaled us to quickly take our seats. “Come on, come on ! We’ve got a party to spend ! Let’s not waste the time !”  
  
We finally came out from our daze and start to enjoy the night. We ignore the fact that Aiba-chan hadn’t keep in touch to save it for later. Now, we have some more important thing to do. To party up to our hearts contents !  
  
***  
  
It’s almost morning when we’re done. I had a shooting in the afternoon, that’s why I didn’t drink that much. The same happened to Sho-chan as well, and that’s why we were the ones to support the spent Riida and Jun when we walked out of the restaurant. Aiba-chan, for the second time, didn’t order any alcoholic drink today. He said that he’s driving so he’s not allowed to get drunk.  
  
Just then, Aiba-chan came out from the restaurant after taking care of the payment. My money, just so you know, Aiba-chan just handled the process because he’s the most lucid among us five.  
  
Sho-chan volunteered to take the two home because they have the same way home. He called a taxi and the three of them left. It was only Aiba and me now. Aiba-chan offered to take me home with his car and I immediately agreed.  
  
Through the ride home, I can’t help but notice that Aiba-chan spoke less and cough more. During the party, too, he was not as talkative as he usually was and prompted to laugh more than he talks. I was wondering if he actually feels under the weather somehow. After all, Aiba was always the one to get sick easily.  
  
“Are you okay, Aiba-chan ?” I ask after Aiba coughed for the nth time today.  
  
“Why ? Is Nino worried about me ?” Aiba asked back instead, eyes twinkling mischiviously.  
  
“Just asking.” I shrug. “You looked paler today. I was just wondering.”  
  
Aiba gave out a smile. “I’m okay. I spent too many times indoor nowadays, that’s why my skintone got fairer now.” He told me.  
  
“You never mailed us these past two months.” I changed the conversation, my tone mild.  
  
“I know.” Aiba-chan answered me, his voice soft. “I’m sorry. Things happens and I can’t find the time to contact you guys. And beside, you’re busy and I can’t go and disturb you that much anyway.”  
  
“You never care before.” I rolled my eyes.  
  
“But I do now.” He replied back, and his tone was so guilty it surprised me. I decided that perhaps it was better not to push.  
  
I wish I did.


	4. Chapter 4

*Jun’s Side*  
  
I simply thought that Aiba-chan was coping up the first two months after quitting. And when he showed up on Nino’s birthday, I believed that finally the five of us are whole once again, that things will return to normal now that Aiba-chan is back.  
  
Of course, I do realize that by being normal, it doesn’t mean that Aiba-chan will return to Arashi. That just doesn’t happen. But at the very least, we’re returning to being friends again. And I slightly hope that Aiba-chan will keep in contact from now on like we used to.  
  
But it appears to be not the case. After that one night on Nino’s birthday, Aiba disappears once again. And whenever one of us tried to get a hold of him, sending him mails and even giving him a call, none of them seem to have reached the man. We’re on the verge of giving up. Well, at least Sho-san and Nino did. I still send him mails from time to time, and I know that Riida always sent him meaningless mails every now and then.  
  
It’s worrying, really. The man had disappeared as if he never exist. And when I tried to visit his house once, I was told that he has moved out months ago. I told the others and we concluded that perhaps Aiba had returned to his hometown in Chiba. But when Nino showed up one day after two off days, he looked troubled when he said that he had visited Aiba’s home in Chiba and was told that the man was currently out doing some errands and won’t be home in a couple of days.  
  
But what troubled Nino was not that. It was the fact that Aiba’s mother looked so nervous when she told him the news. Nino felt the woman is hiding something from him, but he can’t bring himself to reprimand her because she looked so worn out. Nino might be a sarcastic brat, but he still has his conscience.  
  
We then decided that we will ask Aiba about this on my birthday. Despite everything, the man had promised us that he will turn up at least on our birthdays, and we just know that he will keep his words. We decided that we will believe in him.  
  
***  
  
The promised day had finally come, and I feel as nervous as hell for a whole different reason. The four of us had sent an e-mail to Aiba about our meeting time and place, hoping that Aiba is still reading his mails somehow and get the message.  
  
When I arrived at the meeting place, I found Sho-kun already waiting. It seems like I’m not the only person who is anxious and ended up showing up a tad bit earlier. Riida and Nino arrived not long after, and we chat for a bit to lessen the tension.  
  
We haven’t ordered anything yet and it’s already 15 minutes after the promised time. I look around me and found similar expression on the other three. We are disappointed, because for once, Aiba didn’t show up. And to think that I’ve made a list of questions I want to ask him, too.  
  
I sigh as I decided that we shouldn’t waste the reservation we’ve made, and is about to make an order when I heard rushing footsteps from behind me. And as I turned around, I find a flushed Aiba coming our way.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m late.” The man apologized as he casually sat on the opening between Sho-kun and Nino. “Dad was being extra careful so he drove extra slowly for a reason. I told him I’m running late already but he wouldn’t budge.”  
  
The feeling of relief was suddenly washed away at Aiba-chan’s words.  
  
“Your father drove you here ?” It was Nino who asked him.  
  
“Yeah.” Aiba nodded as he gulped down the water in front of him, which belongs to Sho-kun, by the way.  
  
“What are you ? A ten years old ?” Nino asked again, an incredulous look on his face.  
  
Aiba-chan shrug. “Dad has things to do around here, so he offered to take me here so it would be more convinient. I don’t see a reason why I should decline his offer.”  
  
“How will you return home then ?” Ohno-kun asked him this time.  
  
“Dad will pick me up.” Aiba said, drowning another glass of water, Nino’s this time. “He said his meeting will take a while, so we might as well drive back together.”  
  
“You can only stay until your Father is done with his business then ?” Sho-san talked up, hint of disappointment in his voice.  
  
“Dad told me to take as long as I need to.” Aiba beamed. “So let’s keep him waiting for as long as we can, everyone ! It’s party time tonight !” He added the last sentence in accented English.  
  
I had meaning to ask, I really did. But I was dragged along to the flow of the party and didn’t really have the chance to ask. But I decided to wait. And that was why I hold myself back from drinking too much beer to keep my head clear. I will keep this conversation for the last, I thought to myself.  
  
Aiba-chan, did not order a single cup of beer again tonight. Instead, he kept on asking for more mineral water that the waiter gave him a big jug of fresh water. The party went on smoothly, and I noticed Sho-kun stealing glances at me every once in a while. Judging from his traits this night, I’m sure he has the same intention as I am.  
  
Nino and Ohno-kun are practically sleeping now, and I watch as Aiba-kun looking at his phone, wondering if his Father already told him to get ready. I throw one last look at Sho-kun who nodded encouragingly at me before clearing my throat, grabbing the tallest’s attention to me.  
  
“Say, Aiba-kun, where have you been this past few months ?” I started off.  
  
Aiba-kun smiled at me, face frowning slightly at my question. “Where, you ask. I was always around my home.” Said Aiba-kun lightly.  
  
“I visited your home a couple of weeks ago. Your neigbor told me you’ve moved out since long. Why didn’t you tell any of us ?” I asked again.  
  
“Ah,” Aiba-kun gave an apologetic smile. “I’ve moved back to Chiba. My parents think, that now I no longer have a reason to stay in Tokyo, I might as well return to our home for good. I’m sorry I haven’t told you. It was not that important so it always slipped off my mind.”  
  
“What are you doing now ? You know, after quitting Arashi, you must have had some plan to follow, right ?” I prod further, watching Aiba-kun’s facial expression as I do so.  
  
“Yeah.” Aiba-kun said, his face sad for a split second. “Just doing some normal stuffs now.”  
  
“What is it ? We’re curious, you know.” I try.  
  
“It’s nothing important.” Aiba-kun shrug as he sipped into his glass. “Nothing worth mentioning.”  
  
“It’s about our bestfriend, of course it’s important !” I raise my voice in a cheerful tone, trying to take the conversation lightly. “And beside, Nino told us that you weren’t home when he visited your house in Chiba sometimes back. Your mother told him that you were on an errands. She didn’t tell him what and we’re curious.”  
  
“Just some small things, I assure you.” Aiba giggled. “I’m not doing illegal jobs like smuggling drugs or joining a yakuza just so you know.”  
  
“And we would like to know what that small things are, Aiba-kun.” I pushed. I know Aiba-kun is most probably feeling uncomfortable right now, but I just need to know. But as I look at Aiba-kun’s face, I know that perhaps, now is not a good time after all. “At the very least, can you please stay in contact with us ? We’re worried, Aiba-kun. And we want you to send us meaningless mails like you used to do. You might be not a part of Arashi anymore now, but you’re still our friends.”  
  
“I know.” Aiba-kun said, voice so strained I thought he was about to cry. “I, I’ll try, okay ? I’m not sure if I can for a long time, but I’ll try anyway.” He closed his eyes and sighed. The sight in front of me now, is so unlike Aiba-kun. “And I’m sorry, for a lot of things.”  
  
“You don’t have to, you know that ?” It’s Sho-kun who said this to Aiba-kun. “It’s not like we’re blaming you for anything, Aiba-kun. We’ll wait until you’re ready.”  
  
I frown. It seems like that Sho-kun knows more than we do. But I decided not to pry. At least not now. I’ll ask him about this tomorrow. Just the two of us.  
  
“By the way, Jun-chan, I’ve watched your latest drama~ As expected, Jun-chan is cool as always ! I always love Jun-chan in his drama, especially romance drama.” Aiba-kun suddenly changed the conversation, beaming widely as he said so.  
  
“Really ? Thanks.” I thanked him curtly, not really getting into the conversation.  
  
“Oh, by the way, my Dad is already waiting. And it’s this late already. Is it okay if I leave first ?” Aiba-kun announced, looking apologetic as he cast a glance toward the passed out duo.  
  
“Sure, you can, Aiba-kun. We will take care of these two.” Sho-kun smiled as he stand up from his seat. “I will take you out. Matsumoto-kun, would you mind waiting for a while by yourself ? I will call a waiter on my way out to get you the bill. I will return immediately after I send Aiba-kun out. After that, we can leave as well.”  
  
“Sure.” I nodded my head, readying my wallet in the process.  
  
I was tempted to escort Aiba-kun out as well. Or, asking for an exchange so that Sho-kun will be the one waiting instead. But seeing the two faces, I feel like it was not my place to interrupt. And so I let them out. I decided to have another questionaire session the next time. For now, I will stay here and wait for the bill like the good host I am.  
  
I wish I didn’t.


	5. Chapter 5

*Ohno’s Side*  
  
I pretended to be asleep most of the time. I pretended not to know a thing. The truth is, I know almost everything. That day Sho-kun had that secret conversation with Aiba-kun that morning. Or the day after Aiba-kun took Nino home that night. And even at MatsuJun’s birthday party when they questioned Aiba-kun which was always answered vaguely.  
  
I know. I always know.  
  
But the thing I don’t know is, what is it that Aiba-chan is hiding from the rest of us. I always asked him lots of things on my random mails, hoping to get some hints of Aiba-chan’s secrets, but none of my mails were ever returned. The only time a reply was delivered was when I sent him a picture of me wearing a T-shirt he bought us during his trip to Africa. And he only said a simple line of ‘Thank you’ as a reply. It was so simple I don’t even think I should tell the other three about it.  
  
Tomorrow is finally my birthday. For some reason, I’m feeling anxious. I have a bad feeling that something bad will happen. I was tempted to cancel the usual party and change it to some other day, but the other three were looking so excited. That day happened to be the day we’re going to do a concert near Chiba. And the four of us had decided beforehand that we will be having a party at Aiba-chan’s Chinese restaurant that day. I can’t bring myself to tell them no.  
  
So with a heavy heart, I leave for the concert venue, with the three men’s excited conversation still running behind me. I have been wishing though. That by chance, since the concert venue is near Aiba-chan’s hometown, the guy will come to our concert somehow. I want to show him that we’ve been doing okay. We’re not a complete team anymore, but we’re coping up nevertheless. And I want him to be happy while looking at us being happy on stage, though it’s still the best to have the five of us on-stage.  
  
The concert is finally running, and I’ve been scanning the viewers carefully, with no sight of Aiba-chan anywhere. I was disappointed, but I cheered myself up by thinking that perhaps Aiba-chan tried to come, but he didn’t manage to get a ticket. After all, it’s common knowledge that obtaining Arashi’s concert ticket is not an easy thing.  
  
We’ve finally done with the concert. The guys prepared me some birthday surprise, as per usual. I was happy. But my deepest part of my heart told me that I would be happier if Aiba-chan is here, too.  
  
We’ve contacted Aiba-chan that we will be coming, of course, and expected no reply since he never did so. But to our surprise, a reply came tonight. And it’s all the same mail the four of us received:  
  
 **From : Aiba-chan**  
 **To : Riida**  
 **Subject : Re: Birthday Party**  
 **Hey, guys ! You should’ve told me sooner that you’re coming, you rascals ! >w<**  
 **I’m currently out doing some errands, but I will be there for sure, just you wait !**  
 **I’ve told my Mum about you coming, so she’ll be waiting.**  
 **I’m sorry that I will be late ! But it’s not my fault in the first place, it’s yours ! O.o**  
 **And, oh, I think I have something to tell you guys, but- Well, anyway, it’s good to have you guys around !**  
 **See you guys~**  
  
We were too surprised that words left us. It was Sho-kun who first came out to his senses.  
  
“You know, guys ? I’m sure we all know that Aiba-kun is hiding something from us. Of why he left Arashi, and of why he was never in contact. And I don’t know, but I have a feeling that he will finally tell us, and I think I should be relieved. But for some reason, I’m afraid. I fear if what he’s about to tell us is not something good.” He ended his little speech with a sigh.  
  
“You’re not the only one, Sho-chan.” Commented Nino, face scrunched up. “I have a feeling I’m not going to like whatever it is he will say. I start to feel like I don’t want to go.”  
  
“Let’s,” MatsuJun started. “Let’s just think positively, okay ? I’m sure it won’t be that bad. And beside, it will be bad for Aiba-kun’s Mother, don’t you think ? I think she already prepared things for us there. And we still need to tell Aiba-kun that Riida had finally graduated from that usual ‘Mother, thank you for always giving birth to me’ comment.” He told us, trying to lift up the mood.  
  
“Yeah. I guess, you’re right.” Sho-kun nodded his head. “We should still go, Nino. If we turned down this chance, we might won’t get another chance for Aiba-kun to tell us his story.”  
  
Nino finally agreed to come. But I know that we all share the same feeling. At that time, we have yet to realized how true Sho-kun’s words are.  
  
***  
  
“Hey, guys ! I’m sorry to keep you waiting !”  
  
Aiba-chan came up from the corner, cheeks flushed red, and body bundled up in many layers of clothes. His face though, loooked paler than I last remember him, and he seemed to be losing weight because his cheekbones are so visible to see.  
  
“Aiba-chan, are you okay ? You don’t look too well, you know.” MatsuJun voiced out his concern immediately.  
  
“I’m fine, MatsuJun. Don’t worry.” Aiba-chan reassured him with a smile as he sat down on the empty seat between Nino and and Sho-kun. “What were you talking about ?”  
  
“Nothing much.” Nino said lazily. “We were just talking on how Oh-chan has finally matured. He finally gave a serious comment at the concert today. He no longer fool around now.”  
  
“Right, the concert !” Aiba-kun clapped his hands. “Sorry guys, I’ve been meaning to come, really. I had even bought my ticket weeks before, but I wasn’t able to come in the end. It’s frustating because I really wanted to go to this one.” He sighed, face crestfallen.  
  
“You can always come later, Aiba-kun. We still have our last concerts in Tokyo next month. We’ll even reserved you a seat if you want us to.” Sho-kun tried to console the guy, rubbing his back soothingly.  
  
“It’s impossible.” Aiba-kun shook his head.  
  
“What do you mean by ‘it’s impossible’ ?” Asked Nino, face irritated because Aiba-kun had started his rambling again.  
  
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to come to your concert next month. It’s impossible.” Aiba-kun said sadly.  
  
“Why is it impossible, Aiba-kun ? Do you already have plans ?” MatsuJun asked, face contorted in confusion.  
  
“It’s not like that.” Aiba-chan sighed. “Well, let’s put it aside for now, shall we ? Let’s just have fun and eat up ! It’s all in the house !” He announced, face suddenly brighten up.  
  
“It’s Riida’s birthday, so he’s paying. That’s the rule, Aiba-shi.” Nino commented lightly as he pick a gyoza and gulped it down in one bite. “So you shouldn’t hold back either. You should drink up ! I haven’t seen you drunk this year.”  
  
“You should, Nino. I can’t get drunk.” Aiba-kun said, face still smiling.  
  
“Why can’t you ? It’s your house. It’s not like you have to drive home or anything. You should just enjoy the night and drink up ‘till you drop dead on the table.” Nino argued.  
  
“That’s the problem. I might just ‘drop dead’ if I drink up.” Aiba-kun said back, emphasizing the two words as he did.  
  
The four of us was brought into silent in an instant. Though Aiba-chan said it in a light tone, his words were too serious to be taken as a joke.  
  
“What are you talking about, Aiba-chan ? Please explain.” I finally spoke. I rarely used this tone, but I did when I was needed to act as a proper Leader, and I need to be one now.  
  
“I will.” Aiba-chan sighed. “I promised you that I will. But not now. We shouldn’t let the foods to waste after all, should we ?”  
  
I was too curious that I actually lost my appetite. And I’m sure the others felt the same. But we know that Aiba-chan needed time to arrange his mind, so we give him just that. We’ve been waiting for months anyway, it won’t hurt to wait for another hour.  
  
We tried to keep the atmosphere as light as possible. We chat, we joke, we fool around during dinner. But deep inside, we’re anxiously waiting for Aiba-chan to start talking. It was around 8, just after we finished our desserts, when Aiba-chan’s Mother came up to our tables.  
  
“Masaki, it’s 8 already.” She whispered quietly. But we were suddenly quiet that her soft voice could be heard clearly.  
  
“I know, Mum.” Aiba-chan told his Mother and asked her to leave before turning to face us. “Guys, how about continuing our party in my room ? We’re about to close up and my parents need to clean up the restaurant. And beside, I need something upstairs so if you still want to stay, I think it’s better to continue upstairs.”  
  
I exchange look with the other three who only shrug in return. In the end, the four of us follow the tallest guy to where his room is. Nino was left behind somewhere, caught in a small conversation with Aiba-chan’s brother, Yuusuke-kun. It was no secret that Nino is almost like the third son of Aiba’s family from how close he was with Aiba-chan during their Jr. days.  
  
Aiba-chan is looking for something inside of his drawer as soon as we’ve arrived there. He then pulled out a small package, and excuse himself for a while, taking the small package with him. I see how Sho-kun eyed the package accusingly, before he whispered something to Jun-kun, in which Jun-kun throw an incredulous look before they broke off into a heated conversation. I can’t hear them from where I sat, but I can pretty much guess the contents of their conversation, though I don’t want to believe in that thought. I decide that I will wait for Aiba-chan to explain himself before concluding any further.  
  
Aiba-chan return a couple of minutes later, with Nino in tow. The two of them carried two trays –Aiba-chan with some fresh cold tea, and Nino with some snacks which I believed was taken from Aiba-chan’s Mother’s hands. Aiba-chan then tell us to wait again as he rummaged through his closet, before pulling 4 identical wrapped gifts in 4 different colours.  
  
“Here, guys. I forgot to give you your presents before, so here you go !” He then handed a gift to each of us –red for Sho-kun, yellow for Nino, purple for Jun-kun, and blue for myself. I only realized by then that the colours represent our colours in Arashi.  
  
“I actually wanted to buy some other things, but I can’t really go out to get them. Mum suggested me to make the gifts myself, and she even taught me how to do it ! I’m pretty sure that the quality is so-so since I’m only a beginner, but I hope you guys like them !” A series of giggles followed as soon as Aiba-chan finished his speech. But I noticed that the giggles are lacking power somehow.  
  
“Can we open it ?” Sho-kun prompted, already half-way to un-tying the green ribbon wrapped around the package.  
  
“Sure.” Aiba-chan answered with a smile.  
  
It appears, that the gifts are identical self-decorated shirts with our name on each of them. The shirts were decorated with colourful beads in different patterns, but the beads used to spell our names are our each representative colours. Aiba-chan even went as far as to made a modification with the shirts by ripping some parts of it, each matching our personality. Like in Sho-chan’s case, Aiba-chan cut the arms and made it look like a tanktop. Jun-kun’s has it modified into a V-neck with the hem of the shirt ripped into a pattern. Mine has some rips on the front and on the back, while Nino’s was kept the way it was. It’s as if, they’re the shirts we usually wore during encore of our concerts. The same t-shirt we sell to the fans, with our own personal touch on each of ours, making the shirt the only piece in the world.  
  
“You actually made these ?” Nino asked, face surprised.  
  
“Yeah.” Aiba-chan shrug. “Had some free times and I was bored.”  
  
“If you have that many times to begin with,” Nino shook his head. “You can as well use it to at least contact one of us and spend some times with us together. Or better yet, you should actually stay in Arashi.”  
  
A silence filled the room soon after. And Nino, realizing that he had said the taboo words, slapped his own mouth and looked down in shame. It’s refreshing actually, to have Nino not acting all mighty and bratty for once. But I was too nervous to actually think that far.  
  
“Believe me, I would if I can.” Aiba-chan heaved a long sigh as he sat down and make himself comfortable. “Guys, I told you that I have something to tell you, didn’t I ? Well, now that we’ve touched the subject, I might as well drop the bomb here.”  
  
“Wait a minute, Aiba-kun.” Sho-kun lifted his hand, stopping him from saying any further. “Before we continue, I have a question for you.” And as Aiba-chan looked at him expectantly, Sho-kun exchange nervous looks with Jun-kun. “You don’t, you don’t do drugs, do you ?”  
  
Aiba-chan widened his eyes in surprise.  
  
“What made you think so ?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“We noticed you pulling out some small package before, Aiba-chan. And the package looked so suspiciously like some drugs package.” Sho-kun started. “And I also noticed that you always excused yourself to the toilet at around 8 whenever we were having a birthday party. Always. And it got me thinking, that perhaps, you were-“  
  
“Of course I don’t do drugs, Sho-chan.” Aiba-chan shook his head, a reassuring smile on his face. “But as expected of Sho-chan, you’re as observant as ever, you know that.”  
  
“Aiba-chan...” Sho-kun sighed, face exasperated.  
  
“I will explain about that thing, Sho-chan. But later. We’ll do it in sequence, okay ? And I think you’ll find your answers soon enough anyway.” Aiba-chan smiled again, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.  
  
The man closed his eyes as he took a deep breath as if he’s trying to build up his courage. In what felt like hours, he finally re-opened his eyes.  
  
“The thing is, guys, I’m dying.”


	6. Chapter 6

*Aiba’s Side*

I was never the healthiest guy on earth. It’s a fact I’ve known since I was little. But I always tried to look at things from a positive point of view. That was why I was never down for a very long time everytime I had to miss school because of some sicknesses. I believe that something good will happen from the suffering I had to went through.

And the trick always worked. Even at those two times my lungs collapsed, I always managed to lift my mood up and think positively. True, that I was feeling anxious and guilty and sorry for myself during those two times, mostly because I carried a rather big responsibility as an idol by then, but I quickly washed the bad feelings away and back to my cheery-self in no time.

But at that fateful day, I suddenly felt my world is turning upside-down, and no matter how I think about it, I can’t find a positive thought about it at all.

I was doing my medical check-up when I found out. I’ve been getting too many fevers as of lately, and I’ve been coughing almost non-stop. I never rendered them as anything big, since I got them almost all the time, but Mum insisted that I should check myself up to the hospital. So I did just to give her mind a rest.

I was not expecting, however, to be told that I suffered from a lung cancer, and my survival rate is less than 10%. I was even told that I might not survive for the following five years. At first, I thought the doctor was simply fooling around with me so I laughed. But when his expression didn’t change, realization struck me and I stared back at him in horror.

I demanded an explanation, as to why this is happening to me. The only time I ever smoke was when I turned 20 and Matsu-nii insisted that smoking is a form of adulthood. I stopped right away, because the smoke tasted bitter and I knew better that I was just recovering from a lung condition. I don’t drink that much, at least compared to the other four member of Arashi, and I’m pretty sure I lead a healthy lifestyle.

The doctor tried to explain that it might be caused by some radiation -in which I scoffed at because I don’t remember ever going into any radiation site- or because of genetic factor. He asked me whether I have a family who has a cancer history but I told him I don’t know. I calmed down after a while, mostly because I suddenly lost all power to fight the doctor, and because I know that the doctor was not at fault here.

While looking at me sympathetically, the doctor informed me the kind of treatments I need to do in order to help me fight the cancer cells away. He also prescribed me some medication which he said will help me anyway. He told me to return there in a week and he will tell me more about the next treatment after seeing my condition by then.

I was about to leave when the doctor stopped me. With apologetic look, he said hesitantly:

“Aiba-san, I know that this is a difficult choice you have to make, but I’d like to suggest you to stop your current activities. As your doctor, I have to say that by continuing your current job will worsen your condition faster, because we all know how hectic a talent’s life is. Of course you don’t have to decide now, but please consider your health as you decide.”

Of course I won’t quit. I can’t.

But as I told my parents about it the next day, my mum was crying all over me while my dad was stroking my back gently while softly asking me to just quit. I told him that whether I quit or not, I will die anyway, so I’d rather die as a person I am now. But then dad asked me: “Would you like your fans to see you suffering ? Do you think the other Arashi members can focus properly on their job while worrying about you ? I know it’s hard, Masaki. But please reconsider. Not only for yourself, but also for your fellow groupmates and your fans also.”

And I know that he was right. Though when the truth was shoved right in front of my face, I can’t deny that it hurts, but I know he was right. If I were to continue, I might be more of a burden than I’m worth. And the other Arashi members will end up worrying about more than they focus on their jobs. And we can’t have that.

It was then I decided. The very next day, I went to talk with the president. He was more understanding and considerate than most people gave him credit for, but it can’t be helped. That’s the image he built for himself. But I was glad that Johnny-san had understood, that he allowed me to resign, and he still gave me the freedom to stay in contact with my friends from Johnny’s. It’s not something he usually does, but perhaps he was making an exception because I have a valid reason for it, and it was not like I was trying to put our agency’s name to shame in anyway.

I told him I will quit once I’m done with my future drama project, and that I wish to be given a chance to announce my graduation at my last concert with Arashi. Johnny-san had told me sympathetically, that he can do something about the drama and the concerts, that I’m allowed to skip them if necessary, if it’s better for my health, but I had refused his offer. I told him I will do them. I need to do them. And Johnny-san didn’t ask me any further as to why I insist to go that far, because he had understood.

I found my days harder than they used to be, and only then I realized the burden this disease had put onto me. And looking back, I was glad I decided to quit. I will only be a nuisance if I were to stay. Though it pained me to have to see my groupmates continuing the group without me, a part of me is relieved they decided to move on. I don’t want to be the reason for Arashi to disband.

It’s finally my last day in the entertainment world, which happens to be the day my current drama will show it’s last episode. As a part of promotion, I appeared in many shows that day, and was asked the same question over and over again, which I answered with a line I’ve practiced for months.

My parents, and even Johnny-san urged me to tell the other four Arashi members about my current situation. They told me that the four of them deserved to know the truth. And I agree. It’s just, whenever I was given the chance to speak for the truth, my courage always slipping away from me and I found myself backing out, again, and again. Up until now, when I won’t be able to meet them on regular basis, I still haven’t told them the truth.

Many mails and missed calls came after that. Mostly from Arashi members and some from Kazama, while few of them came from the many seniors and juniors in Johnny’s Jimusho, all telling me how they will be missing me and that they will stay in contacts. I replied to most of them, but not to Arashi members. While I can smoothly typed ‘I’m going to miss you, too.’ to others, I found myself unable to think of a reply to the four’s messages. I had called upon Kazama one day though, and asked him to visit me in this hospital room which have had became a second house for me.

Sometimes after I quit, the doctor had told me that perhaps it was best for me to be situated in the hospital for the time being for easier monitoring. It was then my mum proposed me to sell my apartment in Tokyo for it was unlikely that I will return there. I had agreed, because I found no reason to stay otherwise. And from then on, I’ve become a semi-permanent resident in the hospital. The doctor will sometimes allow me to return home for a few days if he deemed me stable enough.

Kazama, was as expected, was utterly surprised at seeing me lying by the hospital bed, with a manga on hands. He told me later that he thought I was simply being reckless again and didn’t think too far as to why I asked him to visit me at the hospital. I told him the story, and he was beyond surprised. I was supposed to be the bedridden one, but looking at us now, Kazama looks like he needed to lie down more. He recomposed himself quick enough, and told me that he was sorry. He asked me whether anyone else know about this, and I told him that it was only him and my family and Johnny-san and my ex-manager now.

I know what he was about to ask by the expression on his face. Kazama must have wondered why I haven’t told the Arashi guys yet. But I stop him before he can do so, and told him that I’m not ready yet. That I don’t know what to say to them. He told me that it’s not that hard. I can tell him pretty smoothly, he was sure I can do the same with Arashi members. I told him that it’s not like that. I’ve been with the four of them for so long that I started to fear their reaction if they found out.

Kazama reached out and squeezed my palm. With an awkward smile, he told me : “It’s going to be alright, Aiba-chan. They’re good guys. They’ll be fine.”

But instead of trying to approach the four, I found myself putting a distance between myself and the four of them. I don’t reply to any of their mails, nor did I pick up to their calls. Nino’s birthday is coming, and I still haven’t made up my mind. But I had promised them that I will at least be present at their birthdays. So I willed up myself to keep that promise while I can. Because who knows if I will still be alive the next year to do so.

So I came at Nino’s birthday. I’ve figured out the place and time of meeting from the mails the four kept on sending me. And I was glad the guys didn’t ask too much. I was being a little cautious with Sho-chan though, because he’d been eavesdropping to my conversation with my mum after his birthday party, and I know he’s keeping an eye for me. But I was relieved Sho-chan kept his promise that he will wait until I’m ready.

I drove Nino home that night, and I know how much Nino wanted to bombard me with questions. But perhaps he was too tired and too drunk, he didn’t push further after I gave a signal that I didn’t want to continue the topic. I returned to the hospital after that, receiving a good scoldings for leaving too long and driving by myself in the middle of the night. The doctor told me that he won’t allow me to leave anymore unless he’s sure I’m with somebody and that I’m not driving by myself again.

That’s why, on MatsuJun’s birthday, I asked my dad to drive me to where the guys are at. I know my dad is worried about me. I was only recovering from a fever this morning and I’m sure he rather had me on the bed right now. But he didn’t say a thing, because he knew I need this. And the least he can do is to watch me from afar to make sure I don’t overexert myself.

MatsuJun’s birthday passed, and my condition kept on getting downwards from then on. My health is deterioting significantly that the doctor decided to isolate me for almost a month until I’m stable enough to be back to my private ward. It was a week before Riida’s birthday when they drop me the news.

“From the result of the last check-ups, we have figured out something.” The doctor paused for a moment, eyes shone apologetically. “Aiba-san, we’re very sorry to say, but your lung won’t last that much longer.”

I thought I blacked out for a while, until I realized that I was just too surprised everything blanked out for a moment. But as I recollected myself, I dared myself to ask: “How much ?”

“A month is our prediction. Two if we’re lucky.” The doctor told me solemnly. “If we can’t find you a donor by then, I’m afraid there’s nothing else we can do for you.”

I chuckled ironically at his words, knowing full well that it's not possible for me to receive a donor in such a short time. My parents and brothers had all taken a test to be a living donor for me, but only my Mum passed the test and it's impossible for her alone to be my only donor. She won't be able to take it if she were to insist to be the only donor. The doctor said that I would need at least two living donors to survive. And even if I get a donor, there's no guarantee I will last that long anyway.

“Sensei, say if I found a donor during this month. How much will it affect me ?” I asked him without looking at his eyes.

“A year is the approximate time you can last with a new lung” The doctor answered practically. “But who knows if you could pull a miracle. I believe you were known for creating miraculous outcome.”

“I’m not sure I can pull it out this time, Sensei.” I laughed bitterly. “After all of this, I’m not sure if I should rely on miracles anymore.”

The doctor looked like he was about to say something, but I shook my head slowly, telling him to not say a thing.

“Thank you for informing me, Sensei.” I told him instead. “But, may I make one selfish request, Sensei ?”

“What is it ?” The doctor frowned.

“If I say I want to spend my last days freely, as who I am without being chained to this hospital bed and the smell of antibiotics, will you grant me that wish ?” I looked up at him, eyes hopeful but I dare not to expect too much.

The doctor looked contemplative for a moment, before he spoke up. “I don’t know, Aiba-san. As your personal doctor, I can’t allow that to happen. But-“ He hesitated for a while. “As a friend, I really want you to do as you wish. But I’m not sure.”

He turned at me with a long sigh.

“Look, I’ll go talk with the director for this, okay ? And if, by chance, you were given the permission, I want to be sure that you always keep your medications with you and that you’re properly taken care of.” He told me, tone of voice final.

“What’s the difference ? I will die eventually.” I sighed at him, body buried deeper into the mattress.

“I know.” The doctor nodded his head. “But still, we would like to keep you alive even only a second longer. That’s our duty as doctors.”

***

In the end, I only received the pass to leave the hospital exactly at Riida’s birthday. I actually hoped I can be released a day earlier, because I had booked a ticket for Arashi’s concert for that day and I was looking forward to watch it badly. I was having my last-minute check up when I received a mail from Riida, informing me that they’re on their way to my house.

I half-panicked, because I was sure that today’s birthday party will be held at the same place as previously. I asked my mum to do something about it in case they have arrived before me. And then, for the first time in months, I finally replied to Riida’s mail. I told him I might be late, and after several consideration, of thinking that I don’t really have that much time left, I told him that I have something to tell him. I’ve decided that I will tell them tonight. And I hope they will take the news well.

By the time I finally get the pass, my mum already informed me that they guys are there already. I thanked the doctor and nurse tending me in a rush, before urging my dad to take us home as quick as he could. I was red from the rush as I’ve arrived home. I’m sure the guys noticed because MatsuJun asked me whether I’m okay or not. I told him I’m okay. Perhaps it was just me being mellow, or that I was too tired to keep my guard up, but I found myself slipping one too many tonight. I kept on hinting about my current predicament that Riida can’t help himself anymore and demanded an explanation from me. I only smiled at him and tell him I will tell them soon. I’m not ready yet.

It was a few hours later when my mum came around and told me it’s almost time. I checked at the clock and see that it’s already time for me to take my medication. I told the guys to continue upstairs because I know that it’s also time for my parents to close up. Lately, since I fell sick, my parents never opened the restaurant until past 9. And I felt sorry because I know it was all for me.

I told the four of them to wait as I took my meds and excuse myself out to take them. After I’m done and was about to return to the room, I met with Nino and Yuusuke who are having one tray in each of their hands half-way. I took the tray from Yuusuke and told him I will take it from here before returning to the room with Nino in tow.

I know I can’t run away any further, and was about to confess right now and then, when I was reminded by the presents I’ve prepared. During my stay in hospital, my mum taught me how to decorate shirts so I won’t be bored when I was left by myself in the hospital. It was then an idea to make self-decorated shirts for Arashi members came across me and I worked on them diligently from then on.

I only started somewhere between MatsuJun and Riida’s birthday, so I know I’m still a novice in the field, but I really hope the guys will like them. And looking at the results, I can say that I’m pretty confident in them actually. At least they’re not all over the place and I managed to write down their names correctly.

A few casual exchange of words followed, until Nino mentioned how I should just stay in Arashi. The words which followed somehow just flew out naturally after that. On how I told Nino I wish I could stay, and on how I denied Sho-chan’s accussation of me using drugs. Honestly, this guy’s imagination is dangerous sometimes.

It’s finally time. It’s now or never, I told myself.

“The thing is, guys, I’m dying.”


	7. Chapter 7

*Jun’s Side*  
  
No one said a thing after Aiba-kun’s shocking revelation. And as silence engulfed us four while Aiba-kun narrated his story, I’m not sure whether the other three actually listening to him at all because they were too dumbstrucked to react, me included. And even after Aiba-kun finished his story, the four of us were stoned up in our former position, not moving an inch.  
  
The awkward silence broke when Nino burst out in a laugh.  
  
“You nailed it this time, Aiba-shi ! Where did you get the idea ?!” He chuckled but his eyes showed uncertainty and his fingers shook badly as he tried to be nonchalant about it and pick a cookie from the tray.  
  
Nino simply wished that it was all Aiba-kun’s sick joke because he can’t accept the truth. And I can’t blame him from feeling so for it was the reflection of my own feelings.  
  
“I’m not joking, Nino.” Aiba-kun sighed tiredly as he swept the hair which is sticking to his forehead back. “I’m being serious here.”  
  
“Why ?” Sho-kun’s voice trailed off, face tainted with disbelief. “Why did you tell us just now ?”  
  
“Do you think it’s so easy ?” Aiba-kun smiled bitterly. “I can’t just come up one day and say ‘Hey guys, guess what ? I was told that I will die soon !’. It’s not that simple, Sho-kun.”  
  
“But-“ Sho-kun tried to reason, but can’t come up with anything so he gave up and hung his head low instead.  
  
“You could’ve told us earlier, still.” Ohno-kun stared at Aiba-kun, eyes shimmering with myterious emotion. “Aren’t we your friends ? Your family ?”  
  
“That’s why it’s harder to tell you.” Aiba-kun shook his head. “Because you’re important to me, and I feared that it will change something between us if I tell you.”  
  
He looked up, staring at each of us with a pained look.  
  
“Look at how it already changed the way you look at me now. It’s the thing I don’t want the most. For you guys to look at me differently. For us to change.” He looked away once again, voice strained.  
  
“Why tell us now, then ? If you know that something will change between us if we were to know, then why telling us now ?” Ohno-kun asked again, voice softer this time.  
  
“Because you deserve to know the truth.” Aiba-kun whispered softly. “And I don’t want you to hear about everything after I’m gone from somebody else. I want to be the one to tell you the truth. Even if I know that everything will be different after this, I still think I should tell you guys the truth. Because you deserve that much. I’m complicated, aren’t I ?” He chuckled brokenly.  
  
“Aiba-kun,” I started, sighing deeply before I continue. “What will you do from now on ?”  
  
A smile formed on those pale lips.  
  
“I was told I was going to die soon. And I don’t want to die without a fight. I want to die proud. I want to die as I am. And I want to die after living my life to fullest.” He took a deep breath. “If you don’t mind, would you hear this dying man’s last wish ?”  
  
***  
  
*Nino’s Side*  
  
It appears that Aiba-chan simply wanted to spend times with us for the last time. Even just for a day, he wanted to be like we used to be and relive those moments. Aiba-chan only said that much, but I later heard from his mum that Aiba-chan secretly wished he could at least sing one last song together with us.  
  
I told the other three about this and they seemed contemplating the idea. On one hand, we want to fulfil Aiba-chan’s wish, but on the other hand, the simple act of performing might be too much for Aiba-chan and we feared we would endanger him instead. We were having a serious talk about it, until Sho-chan speak,  
  
“Perhaps, we should do it. If it’s what Aiba-chan wanted.” He told us quietly, and as I looked up and see his face, I felt like I was looking at the short-tempered and awkward Sho-kun from those many years ago, when the two of us spent the night talking about what we will be doing from then on, just before we debuted. “And I don’t know about you guys, but after Aiba-chan is, you know, I just, I don’t think I can continue this.”  
  
“What are you talking about ?” J asked him carefully.  
  
“I’m thinking of quitting. After this.” Sho-chan told us, his tone final. And none of us said a word to stop him.  
  
“Honestly,” Riida started with a sigh. “I’m thinking the same.”  
  
The three of us looked at him tentatively.  
  
“When Aiba-chan said that he will quit a year ago, I know that everything won’t be the same. But at that time, I feel like I can still give it a go. But now, I don’t think this can goes on. It’s just, not the same without Aiba-kun.” He told us, voice exasperate.  
  
“I actually felt the same.” J speak up. “But it was frustating because I’ve been so into this for most of my life. And I really want us to stay, but I don’t think it will goes well. After knowing everything, I just don’t think we can continue.”  
  
“Now I know why Aiba was hesitating.” I sighed. “He probably knows we will end up like this, that’s why he didn’t said a thing. But-“ I released a long breath. “It can’t be helped, can it ? After all, Arashi is not Arashi if we’re missing a member.”  
  
The four of us looked at each other, a small smile forming on our lips.  
  
“Maybe this is better off this way. Because there is no meaning in continuing Arashi without Aiba-chan here.” Riida decided, his face firm and voice certain.  
  
***  
  
*Riida’s Side*  
  
We told Johnny-san soon after we’ve made the decision. And though disappointed, Johnny-san noted that he understood and that he will allow us to disband. But he also told us, that if by any chance we decided to change our minds and would like to continue with Arashi, his door is always open.  
  
We told him we understood and that we will remember it. But none of us really think about it, because we were so sure that we won’t change our minds in this.  
  
Johnny-san asked us to stay for another year, because we had made a contract for next year’s anniversary’s concert to be done in Hawaii again. And it can’t be cancelled. All of our variety shows also still have a running contract which won’t be due until the end of next year. We agreed to his condition, because we know that we can’t have it any other way. Having our group disbanded at the very same place we were formed is ironic, but we all believe that perhaps this is for the best. While we’re at it, we might as well create the best last concert ever.  
  
Speaking about concert, we still have two last concerts this month which marks our last concerts for this year’s tour. After speaking with the management and re-arranging stuffs, we all had agreed to dedicate the last concert for Aiba-chan. We can only wish for him to survive until that day.  
  
We have talked it out with Aiba-chan’s doctor as well, about having Aiba-chan perform one last time with us. The doctor had agreed, only if there is no agressive dance routine to follow. Of course there won’t be any harsh dance routine. There is only one song we will sing and we don’t need difficult dance moves combination to make it an outstanding performance.  
  
We are on our way to Aiba-chan’s house that day, and are glad to see him looking good. He’s helping his parents in the cashier, and is looking bored if anything. We approached the man who smiled back at us, and told him we have something to show him. The man followed us without question, all bubbly and excited along the way. And as we lead him to the grandiose stage of Tokyo Dome, his eyes watered.  
  
“Why are you taking me here ?” I heard him whispered.  
  
“Let’s sing one last song, Aiba-chan ! As Arashi !” Nino wrapped a hand around Aiba’s taller figure and lead him to the dressing room.  
  
“But we can’t. I can’t.” Aiba-chan protested, but we know he didn’t mean it.  
  
“Of course you can.” Sho-kun assured him. “We won’t dance, Aiba-chan. We will just sing. It’s alright.”  
  
“Now sit here and let the the stylist do their magic, okay ?” Jun-kun reprimand him one last time before turning to his own stool.  
  
***  
  
*Sho’s Side*  
  
It took the stylist longer to ready Aiba-chan. In my eyes, he’s still as beautiful as ever, but the disease had eaten him away and we could see the cheekbones on his too-pale face all too clearly. And after hours of makeup, we could finally see some colours on Aiba-chan’s face and on how his eyes shone brigther upon wearing the stage costume.  
  
“This is so cool ! I’ve missed this so much !” The man exclaimed cheerfully as he put on the white blazer before circling a green stole around his neck. Looking at how he is right now, no one would have thought that he’s a dying man.  
  
We are finally leading him to the stage as we all stood on our own spots. We are all dressed in white with a little of our personal colours accenting our outfits. A blue tie for Ohno-kun, a red stole wrapped around my waist, a green stole around Aiba-chan’s neck, a glittering yellow scarf hanging loosely on each side of Nino’s neck, and a purple classic brooch on MatsuJun’s blazer.  
  
“What are we going to sing ?” Aiba-chan can’t help but asked as he stood by the middle.  
  
“It’s our song, Aiba-shi.” Nino told him softly from his left. “We’re going to sing our song.”  
  
And just like that, the familiar melody echoed inside the empty dome. I can see Aiba-chan’s eyes glitters as he finally catch up. I smiled at that, before lifting the microphone close to my lips and start singing.  
  
**_“Deatte suunen, are wa guuzen, na ki mo suru ne, hora juu-nana-nen_**  
**_Sora ni maiagatte yuku fuusen, kyasha na gonin de norikomu, yureru fune_**  
**_‘Tada warattokou..’_** **_‘Kitto yume ga kanau toko...’_**  
**_Sou iikikaseteta goro no kako mo ima mune ni matou, yeah”_**  
  
The song felt magical as the words kept on flowing through my lips. This is the last song we sing as a complete Arashi. I can feel myself tearing up but I know I have to be strong.  
  
**_“Honki de naite, honki de waratte_**  
**_(Bokutachi kara wa takusan no ai no, kotoba shika mou hontou ni nani mo nai no)_**  
**_Honki de nayande, honki de ikite_**  
**_(Uta ni nosete saido, kasaneta bun no dekkai ai wo)_**  
**_Ima ga aru, mune wo hareru”_**  
  
I noticed how the four of us are stealing glances at Aiba-chan every now and then. But the man seemed oblivious to the stares and keep on singing to his hearts content, body glowing under the spotlight, looking as beautiful as we remember. How we wish there’s something we could do to keep Aiba-chan here with us, to keep on singing and dancing on the stage with us, to tease and laugh freely together with us.  
  
**_“Koko ni tatteru bokutachi ga ima kagayakeru no wa kimi ga iru kara_**  
**_Gonin de iru, zutto iru_**  
**_Ima made wo chikara ni kaete, kawaranu ai de tsutsumi kondara_**  
**_Eien ga, hora eien ga_**  
**_Boku to kimi dake ni umaretanda”_**  
  
I felt my voice shook as I sang the last chorus. How I wish they were true, that the five of us will be here, forever and ever. I can also hear Nino’s voice wavered, and when I turned at him, he’s looking down, eyes shut tightly as if to prevent himself from crying. Jun was no better. The man’s eyes are as red as blood, his lips quivering, but he kept on singing. On my right, I saw Ohno-kun singing, his face indifferent, but I know better that he’s just trying to bury his true feelings inside.  
  
I turned to my left as I felt a tap on my shoulder. There I saw Aiba-kun smiling warmly as he pulled me close. On his left, Nino is half-snuggling into his arms. I saw how Jun came closer and put his own arms around Nino, and so I did the same and pulled Ohno-kun close.  
  
**_“La la la la, la la la la..._**  
**_Love love for you”_**


	8. Chapter 8

*Aiba’s Side*  
  
I just spent a whole day with the other Arashi members, performing 5x10 on the stage one last time, had a trip to Hakone and visit the most famous hotspring there with my family, and simply living life when I had to go back to the hospital. Everything had been okay, I didn’t do much but to sit around the corner and dazing out, when out of nowhere I felt a sharp pain on my chest.  
  
My parents rushed me to the hospital at the first gasp I made, and the doctor told me that I will have to stay because of the sudden deterioration of my condition. I nodded at him, knowing that it’s best this way. After all, I have my last wish fulfilled already, I don’t have a regret.  
  
I suppose my mum told the other Arashi members about this because they’re suddenly here the next time I woke up from my nap. They looked overly worried and I had to give them my absolute assurance for them to believe me that I’m okay now. We talked for a while, before they excused themselves because they still have dance rehearsals to attend. I bid them good luck as their figure disappearing behind the door.  
  
I sighed as soon as they’re out of sights. I noticed that something is off with the four of them. Ever since that day they came over and led me to the stage to sing, I felt like they’re plotting something behind my back. And from what I noticed, I fear that they will do something I wish they never do.  
  
I fished out my phone from the drawer and type a mail to my ex-manager. Ryu-chan is now working with some new talent, but we’ve known each other for so long that he’s more like a brother to me than a manager. I just hope he will listen to my request one last time. A buzz came from my phone, signaling me that a mail is coming. Quickly reading the content, I smiled as I finished.  
  
I really hope this will work somehow.  
  
***  
  
“Thanks, Ryu-chan. I owe you a lot.”  
  
I thanked my ex-manager as he collected the stuffs he brought with him.  
  
“Don’t mind it, Aiba-chan. You were the very first talent I took care of, and you’d helped me a lot when I still don’t know much about the showbiz. It’s the least I could do to repay you.” The slightly older man smiled at me as he packed the camera into the bag.  
  
“Have the date been decided yet ?” I asked him.  
  
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I heard that it will be held exactly on the anniversary day, but it still can change.”  
  
“I hope you won’t have to use it, though.” I stared at the video record on Ryu-chan’s hands. “I hope this is just me over-thinking things.”  
  
“Me, too.” Ryu-chan replied as he carefully put the record inside the bag. “Things won’t be easy and a lot will change from now on, but I believe that they can overcome it. It would be too sad if what you said were to happen for real.”  
  
“Let’s just hope for the best, okay ?” I smiled, giving the man encouragement. But more than anything, it was myself I tried to encourage. Because truth to be told, I’m the one who feared it the most. Especially since I will be the cause of it all. And it’s painful whenever I thought about it.  
  
“Let’s believe in those guys.”  
  
***  
  
Tomorrow is my birthday and I silently congratulate myself for surviving until today. The doctor was pleased to see me overcoming the time they had set for me, but also worried because my condition is keep on worsening each day. They told me that my body is already at it’s limit, and it’s a miracle that I could live this long. My dad came one day and told me that the reason I still live until today might be because I still have something to linger on. He told me to keep on clutching onto that string for as long as I can, that he and my mum and Yuusuke are fighting along with me.  
  
The four Arashi members rarely come as of lately and I can’t blame them because they’re busy preparing for their concerts, which ends today. I don’t expect anyone to come today, as I stare blankly outside the window, mind wandered to the four Arashi members and what they might be doing now.  
  
A soft knock came on my door, and I wondered as to who might be visiting at this time of hour. It’s almost six in the afternoon, almost the end of visiting time. I tell the visitor to come in though, and was surprised to see Johnny-san and his niece, Julie-san, with Ryu-chan standing a little behind them, on the doorstep. I quickly rise my bed so that I could face the man properly, and bow my head slightly as the old man enter the room.  
  
Ryu-chan pulled a chair for Johnny-san and Julie-san to sit on as he, too, took a seat on the opposite of them, before Johnny-san began to speak.  
  
“How are you feeling, Aiba-kun ?” The man smiled, his voice as serene as I remembered.  
  
“It’s just as you can see, Sir.” I told him sheepishly, waving my hands to the many tubes and wires connected to my body.  
  
“I’m sorry, it was insensitive of me to ask.” The man realized his words and said apologetically.  
  
“Please don’t be.” I assured him. “It’s okay, Johnny-san.”  
  
“If you said so.” The man smiled. “Though I’m concerned about your condition, my purpose of coming here is actually not that, Aiba-kun.” He said slowly. “Do you know that today Arashi is having their last concert for this year ?”  
  
I nodded at him. Of course I know.  
  
“The truth is, the four boys asked me a favour concerning today’s concert. And I just can’t say no.” He motioned Ryu-chan who immediately took out many stuffs from inside the suitcase they brought along. He pulled out a white screen and placing it across me, before taking out a laptop which he connected to a projector and showed the images to the white screen. I immediately noticed the faces of my ex-groupmates looking back at me, wearing the t-shirts I gave them as their birthday presents.  
  
“Aiba-kun, happy birthday !” The four of them chorused.  
  
“We are sorry we can’t be there for you now. But you know what ? We’ve prepared a special present for you !” Sho-chan begin with a wide smile.  
  
“We are going to film today’s concert and show them to you live ! Isn’t it great ?” Riida followed soon after.  
  
“We specially dedicated today’s concert just for you, Aiba-kun. We hope you like it !” MatsuJun waved his hand with a wink.  
  
“We call it ‘Aiba-shi’s Birthday Celebration Special Concert’ ! You better like it because we worked our asses off for this, you know !” Nino throw in with his usual bratty remarks.  
  
“Without further ado, let’s get on to the main thing.” Sho-chan said, signaling the three of them to sync with him. “Please enjoy !”  
  
The screen blacked out and I turned to face Johnny-san tearfully.  
  
“Johnny-san, this can’t be- ?” I gasped, still unable to believe the whole situation.  
  
“We’ve asked the hospital’s permission to do this, and everything has been settled. The only thing left to do is to watch the show and enjoy them to our fullest, right ? Your parents and brother will be coming as well. They’re still talking with your doctor as of the moment. And as soon as they’re here, we will watch the concert together. Okay ?” The man looked at me, his eyes warm and his voice gentle. And all I could do is to nod my head gratefully, heart overflowing with emotions that I almost cried.  
  
I was so happy that the four Arashi members prepared and dedicated this concert just for me. Each of them sang one of my solo songs, and the rest which is not sung individually were sang by the four of them. They also played a medley of songs which are used at the dramas I played at. Even the seniors and juniors from our agency who came as viewers came up on stage and perform a song or two in my sake.  
  
During the MC, they talked like they usually did. But they each had my uchiwa on their hands and keep on telling me that they wish I can get better soon. I noticed Nino teared up, because perhaps, he felt the irony of the words for knowing that there is no way I can ever get better. They sang and danced to the song Friendship after that, all clad in greenish outfits. I almost choked on my tears as I saw the VTR of that last song we sang together were being played on the screen. The four of them returned to stage with the same outfits they wore when we sang that song, forming a line on the middle stage.  
  
“Everyone, thank you for coming to our concert today. We are very grateful.” Sho-chan was the first to give the speech. “Today’s concert is dedicated to our dearest friend, Aiba Masaki, to celebrate his birthday and in hope that it will give him energy even just a tiny bit more to keep on fighting.” He paused for a moment. “As you have known from the news this prior month, Aiba-kun is currently fighting with an incurable disease, and is suffering each days from the disease. We could only imagine how much pain he has to endure every day, but Aiba-kun is so strong he never showed the pain to anyone else. He never want others to worry about him, thus he hide the pain deep inside him. But you know, Aiba-kun, you don’t have to pretend you’re okay when you’re around us. You don’t have to act strong. We are your family and families share burdens with each others. We want you to know that it’s okay for you to lean on us sometimes. That it’s okay for you to be weak and cry to us. That it’s okay...” Sho-chan stumbled, lips quivering as he looked down to hide the tears. “That it’s okay, for a sunshine to be down sometimes, too. Because then we can cry together, be down together, and then get up stronger together. You are not alone in this, Aiba-chan. We’re here with you.”  
  
Sho-chan stared at the camera, hard, that it feels like he’s standing right there and looking right into me. I felt a tear sliding down my cheeks as Sho-chan’s words shot right at my heart.  
  
“Everyone, I thank you for coming despite the snow today.” Riida’s voice is suddenly heard, telling me that the spotlight had changed now. “Aiba-chan, happy birthday ! How was it ? Do you like our present ?” Riida smiled and I nodded my head frantically at him though I know he won’t be able to see me. “At first, we weren’t sure we can do this with so little time left. But seeing how you are always able to smile despite everything, gave us the strength to finish this. After all, we want to see Aiba-chan smile because his smile is always beautiful. Aiba-chan, do you remember what you said when you first us told us about your sickness ? You told us that you’re afraid things will be different between us, and that we will start looking at you differently.” Riida paused, closing his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. “While indeed, that things won’t be the same without you here with us, but please rest assure that our view about you will never change. You will always be our bubbly, carefree, and giggly Aiba-chan. You’re still the Aiba-chan who will always do silly things to melt the tension between us. You’re still the Aiba-chan who can make us laugh just by laughing yourself. You’re still the Aiba-chan who always think positively even in the most difficult times. You’re still the Aiba-chan we know, the Aiba-chan everyone loves, the Aiba-chan that we treasured. You’re still our Aiba-chan and that will never change.”  
  
Riida’s eyes spoke more of the words he voiced out as he looked at the camera. A wrecked sob came from my mouth as I saw Riida cried when he the spotlight around him dimmed.  
  
“Everyone, thank you for coming here today. Thank you, we are grateful.” Nino greeted the audience and moving in circle to give his gratitudes. “Well, as you can see, everyone, Aiba-san is stupid no matter what. That’s a fact.” The crowd laughed a bit, and I pouted at Nino’s comment. “The moment this whole nation knew about Aiba-san’s current condition, was also the time we found out ourselves. We were only told the news the day before the official announcement was spread out across the country. That’s how stupid Aiba-san is. He’s scared for no reason but acting brave when he didn’t have to. But that’s the charm of Aiba-san, I believe. And that’s what makes him who he is. And I learnt to tolerate. I mean, do you really think I will be able to stick with him for so long if I don’t like it ? I would’ve kicked his ass since a long time ago if I wanted to.” Nino commented brattily and the crowd laughed again. “But I didn’t. Because I like him the way he is. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Aiba-chan, you’re the reason why I could stand here now, why I could put up with the harshness of the showbiz, why I decided that I won’t quit many years ago, why I could push myself and give it my all in everything I do. Truthfully, I couldn’t picture a future without you because no matter what path I want to take, you’re always in the picture. That’s how much you meant to my life. And to know that you won’t be there in reality, I was at lost.” Nino’s voice trailed off, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. It’s like he’s seeing something no one else can see. “Aiba-shi, there are so many stories I have yet to tell you, so many things I should thank you for or apologized to. There are so many things I want to do together with you. Do you know that I’ve learnt new magic tricks lately ? I bet you don’t know because I haven’t touched the subject in a long time. I want to do some pranks like I used to do, with, or at you. Damn, I even want to do those stupid experiment of yours ! So stay, you stupid ! Stay right where you are and don’t go to a place I can’t reach ! Didn’t you promise me that we will always be together until we’re old and spent  ? Didn’t you tell me that you will play games with me forever ? Aiba-shi, didn’t you-?”  
  
Nino’s wails were cut off as Riida came to his side and pulled him to a tight embrace. And suddenly, the only thing I want is to run to wherever they are and tell them that everything is alright and that the five of us will continue creating storms across the world. But that would only mean I will make another empty promise, so I stop the urge and gripping on the bedsheet as tight as I could instead.  
  
The echo of Nino’s cries is still heard when MatsuJun took the spotlight and bowed his head while voicing out his gratitude towards the audience who are also crying along with them.  
  
“This is a difficult time for us, I have to say.” MatsuJun started. “To be suddenly shoved by the knowledge that someone dear to us is suffering from something unimaginable, we were struck, hard. We are angry. At Aiba-kun for not telling us a thing until now, at the world for not being fair and did this to him, at everyone and anyone for no apparent reason, but most of all, we are angry at ourselves, for not noticing the pain Aiba-kun had to endure all this time. We are angry at ourselves, and disappointed. We claimed to the world that we’re good friends, while in fact we can’t even see the change on one of us where we should. We know that we cannot do a thing to things which is fated to happen in this world, but we couldn’t help but to blame ourselves for what had happened to Aiba-kun. We were a complete idiots. We still are.” MatsuJun bit his lips as his thumb wiped over the rim of his eyes. “This concert, is the least we could do for Aiba-chan. We know how much he desired to be able to stand here with us, performing songs on the stage as Arashi, and while we can’t grant him that wish, at the very least, we want to dedicate this concert for him instead, in hope that he will feel less sad, and to make him think that he’s standing here with us today, having the greatest day of his life.” MatsuJun put out his mic for a moment, controlling his breaths as he did so. “The VTR we showed before this, was the very last song we recorded as five. And the song we sung, probably will never be sung again. The title 5x10 can only exist if there’s five of us. Without one of us, we can never sing it again.”  
  
MatsuJun looked like he has more to say, but he stopped himself from saying any further because he probably thought he will break down if he were to continue. So he prompted instead: “Please listen to this last song, ‘Season’.”  
  
The melody then started to flew through and I found myself humming along to the song. As seconds passed, I feel my strength leaving me, but I smile wider. I called out softly for my mum and my dad, feeling them coming closer to me. And then I whispered:  
  
“Mum, Dad, I’m sorry for everything you have to went through because of me. I know that you must have suffered more than I was this whole time, but you tried to be strong for me, and I can’t be grateful enough.”  
  
“Masaki, dear, please don’t say something like that.” My mum cooed me, her eyes knowing. “You won’t-“  
  
“Mum, please know that I will always watch over you even after I’m gone. Please remember that I love you guys from the depth of my heart, that I don’t know what to say aside from thank you to show you how much I’m grateful towards you.”  
  
My mum is openly crying by now, and I tried to lift my hand up to wipe her tears away.  
  
“Mum, dad, you know that it’s alright to cry. It’s alright to show the world that you’re sad. But you have to move on afterwards and stop lingering to the past. I don’t want to be the chain who kept you from taking a step forward. I won’t be able to rest peacefully knowing that you will be drowned in sorrow because of me. Please promise me you won’t.”  
  
Both my mum and dad shook their heads. And then I felt my dad’s hand gripping mine strongly.  
  
“You don’t worry a thing about us, son. We’re going to be alright.” Is what he told me.  
  
“Thanks, dad.” I smiled at him. “And mum, dad, please give my messages to the four of them.”  
  
My parents nodded, knowing without asking who the four are.  
  
“Tell Sho-chan I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have to make him wait for so long before telling him the truth. Sho-chan knows from the beginning that I hid something from them, but he told me he will wait until I’m ready, and I’m thankful he is.” I smiled again. “And tell MatsuJun, tell MatsuJun he can stop worrying over me now. That I am alright now, and so that he should start worrying for himself instead. Because I know MatsuJun, he cares too much about other people, but sometimes neglected his own self. We can’t have our diva to collapse, can we ?” I chuckled at imagining MatsuJun’s reaction to this. “Tell Riida that he’s the awesomest riida there is. He sometimes worried that he’s not good enough as a leader, but he should give himself more credit to it because he’s more than good at what he does. He should have faith more in himself and know that he worth more than he thought he is.” I closed my eyes, before re-opening them slowly. “And tell Nino I’m sorry I broke our promise to stay together forever. Tell Nino that he shouldn’t stop giving his best even when I’m no longer here.” I feel my consciousness fading away, but I forced myself to stay awake. “Tell Nino that I will always be his number one fan. Tell Nino ‘thank you’, for putting up with me and for deciding to give Arashi a chance. Tell Nino...”  
  
Flashes of images come and gone in my head. It’s as if a special movie of my life is being replayed in front of me. Showing me how I was born and grew up and be the man I am now. It shows the many trips I went to with my family. The many concerts I did with Arashi. That time Sho-chan patted my head with that encouraging smile of his. That time I snapped at MatsuJun and seeing him glower in fear. That time I cried together with Riida, just the two of us. That time I came to Nino’s house drenched in rain, crying out silently of the broken heart, seeking for comfort and warmth to ease me off of the pain.  
  
“Tell Arashi...”  
  
And I know that even if I were given a chance to relive my life all over again, I won’t ever choose a different path. I love my life and I won’t exchange it for the world.  
  
 _“that they’re the best of friends I’ve ever know of...”_


	9. Chapter 9

*Riida’s Side*  
  
We were preparing for the encore an are in the middle of changing into the shirts Aiba-chan gave us, when our managers came rushing at us, face stricken with panic.  
  
“Ohno-kun, we just received a phonecall from Johnny-san..” My manager started.  
  
“They told us bad news.” Nino’s manager continued, face downcast.  
  
“We heard that Aiba-chan just, he just-“ MatsuJun’s manager stuttered, hesitating as to whether he should tell them or not.  
  
“Aiba-chan just what, Nomura ?!” Nino demanded, face scary.  
  
“We heard that Aiba-kun’s condition just worsened drastically, and that it appears that he won’t make it tonight.” Sho-kun’s manager finished firmly, though his face ashen.  
  
The world seems like it’s crushing at us as we froze in our spots. After what seemed like forever, we exchanged glances at each other before breaking into a dash. The four of us start to pack our things hastily, before rushing to the exit. We heard some of the staffs coming in panic, asking about what will happen with the concert, but we don’t give a damn about it at the moment. Our main concern is to go to Aiba-chan is. That’s it.  
  
“Nomura, you go with Takada and the four of them. Drive to the hospital as soon as you can, but please still be careful. I will take care of things with Yoshitaka here.”  
  
I faintly heard Sho-kun’s manager saying on the background, before MatsuJun’s and my managers led us to the van, telling us they will take us to Aiba-chan’s place now. I secretly thanked Sho-kun’s manager for being calm and composed and is willing to take care of the mess we created, a trait similar to Sho-kun himself. But I’m careless about it now and said nothing as we sat restlessly on the van, hoping we will get there before it’s too late.  
  
It’s almost midnight when we arrived at the hospital. A few of the hospital’s personnels are already waiting for us and quickly lead us to Aiba-chan’s room. They told us Aiba-chan’s current condition but everything fell to deaf ears now. I found myself unable to understand a word they said.  
  
We burst into the room as soon as the hospital’s personnel opened the door for us. There, we found Aiba-chan’s family, Johnny-san and Julie-san, Aiba-chan’s ex-manager, Kazama-kun, Murakami and Yokoyama, even Matsu-nii and a few others Johnny’s talents I don’t bother to recognize, surrounding Aiba-chan’s bed. When they see us coming, they swiftly made a way for us to the bed, before leaving one by one, until only Aiba-chan’s family and Johnny-san left with us.  
  
“Aiba-shi, please don’t go !” Nino knelt on Aiba-chan’s left and immediately broke down. MatsuJun got down beside him, stroking his back as he, too, cried silently. Sho-kun stood by the corner of the bed, face pale, looking like he’s confused. I pulled him close before taking him down and swirl my hand on MatsuJun’s shoulder. The four of us knelt there, by Aiba-chan’s bed, crying and waiting, and slightly hoping that miracles will occur somehow. The silence is suffocating, but it’s also calming at the same time.  
  
“Aiba-chan, happy birthday...” I whispered ever so softly, and Nino’s shoulder shook harder at the words. I looked up, and I saw a tear trailed down from Aiba-chan’s eyes, and I can’t help but cry harder.  
  
_He heard me._  
  
And just as I thought so, the long static sound resounded on the silent room. And Nino’s cries echoed harder in the small room.  
  
“You’ve fought well, Aiba-chan.” I whispered brokenly. “Please watch over us from wherever you are and know that we will always love you.”  
  
***  
  
*Jun’s Side*  
  
It feels like everything is crushing down that night. It feels like the world is ending as people came in a rush and do a resuscitation to Aiba-chan before stopping after a while and throw us a solemn look. And when the doctor speak, I feel this undescribable urge to punch him in the face.  
  
“Time of death, December 24th, 2016, 00.06 a.m.”  
  
“You can’t stop just yet !” Nino yelled out, his voice hoarse. “You can still do something to save him !”  
  
“Nino...” Sho-chan sighed from behind Nino, trying to calm him down. “Please don’t be like this.”  
  
“But Aiba-chan can’t go just yet ! We still haven’t properly celebrate his birthday and we had promised we will !” Nino insisted. “He had promised us he will survive until his birthday, Sho ! And he can’t just go and break his promise !”  
  
“Nino, I know you’re sad –I am, too- but please don’t be like this.” Sho-chan begged the younger man. “Please don’t make this harder.”  
  
“No !” Nino shook his head. “Sensei, you must do something about this guy ! You have to save him no matter what ! If you don’t, I swear I will sue you and this hospital down ! So you better-“  
  
His words were cut short by Sho-kun’s slap on his cheek.  
  
“Don’t be a child, Nino !” Sho-kun shouted at him, eyes red with tears. “Do you think any of us can accept this ? Do you think we’re okay about this ? You’re not the only one who wants Aiba-kun to stay, Nino. Please understand that no one wishes this to happen. Please think about Aiba-kun’s parents as well. Do you think it’s easier for them than it is for you ? Do you think Aiba-kun will be happy knowing you like this after he left ?”  
  
“But, but I-“ Nino sobbed, voice much softer this time.  
  
“I know.” Sho-kun gave a long tired sigh before pulling the man into his embrace. “I miss him already, too.”  
  
It was then I realized how big of an influence Aiba-kun was to our lives. In the first time in years, I feel like I can’t face tomorrow. Even as the hospital’s personnel wheeled Aiba-kun’s still body away, I still can’t find the energy to even move from my spot. It feels like the world is over.  
  
The sound of an overly-familiar giggles suddenly resounding in the back of my mind. I turned around only to find Riida wiping his tears away. It’s just as Sho-kun said. I miss him already. I was expecting to come here with the guys after the concert in a happy mood, asking him how was our presents. But now, now I just don’t know anymore.  
  
“Why do you have to leave, Aiba-chan ?” I speak to myself. “Why do you have to leave us here now ? We’re not ready to lose you. We just can’t, lose you. Not now, not ever. So why ?”  
  
***  
  
*Sho’s Side*  
  
Johnny-san gave us a much needed break for one whole month after Aiba-kun’s death. And while we’re grateful for the man, we can’t voiced it out. We attend Aiba-kun’s funeral which was held two days after Christmas, and it was then Aiba-kun’s parents relayed his last words for us. I didn’t cry. None of us cried. But after the ceremony is done, we found ourselves tracing back our steps to Aiba-kun’s tomb, and there, we mourned like there is no tomorrow.  
  
Our lives went on after that. Once we returned to the entertainment world, we feigned a small smile as we stated our condolances for Aiba-kun’s death and that we will work hard for his part as well from now on. We continued with our routines, doing our individual jobs and group jobs every other day, releasing singles, meeting people and living life.  
  
Lies.  
  
The time has stopped for us that day Aiba-kun drew his last breath. Everything is dull now compared to when Aiba-kun was still by our side. The smiles only last for as long as the cameras are rolling, but when we were back to the safety of our green rooms, they will faltered and gone. Our eyes are emptier now, emotions only made up to when it’s appropriate, and it’s not healthy for us, because we’re not moving on at all.  
  
Despite my outburst at Nino that night, I was actually no better than he was. I can’t accept a single thing and I found myself blaming everyone for everything. I was pathetic and I still am. Day by day, I could only think about the day we finally end this thing for once and for all, in hope I could finally find my peace and start taking a step forward. I tell myself that I will start anew from that point onward, and just have to do my best in this masquarade for a little longer.  
  
The day of our anniversary is still far away, but people already made plans for that day. MatsuJun said that our last concert will be a very special concert. It will be a live dedicated for one Aiba Masaki and that we should give it our all, for Aiba-kun more than for ourselves. That’s why, even when we pretend to enjoy doing our other jobs, we were being dead serious when working on the concert. It’s our last present for Aiba-kun and it will be rude to not put our hearts into it.  
  
The theme would be similar as to what we have prepared for Aiba-kun’s birthday, but it would be more grandious and more serene. Each of us will prepare one of our group song to be sung solo, as our last message for Aiba-kun which convey our feelings towards him, and for that solo time only, we were given the freedom to do anything we want without the other members knowing.  
  
Time flies and suddenly it’s September already. We have done more rehearsals and check-over for more than we ever did for a concert in Japan, and now, all is left is to go for Hawaii and prepare ourselves to give the best of live ever as our last concert.  
  
I took a deep breath as I stepped into the plane, Nino’s back ahead of me.  
  
The fans are going to be in an uproar, but I’m sure they will understand our decision. I hope they do.


	10. Chapter 10

*Sho’s Side*  
  
It’s finally the day. The fans had been excited we could hear them talking loudly from outside the venue. We’re doing the concert at the same place we did at our 15th anniversary, and it sure brought back so many memories. We don’t come up to the venue on the helicopter like we did three years ago though. We don’t sail in the sea with the same boat on our debut days as well. We don’t walk around the places just to re-enact our photoshots in the past. We can’t.  
  
We slide up to the stage after the countdown, giving fake smiles we’ve accustomed with as we sing to the melody of our debut song. We’re not trying to copy the previous concert by singing A.Ra.Shi first, it’s just we had agreed to sing in sequence to our history from our debut up until today. We decided to do things in order this time, so we could close our history properly, and so we could leave without regret.  
  
We were still singing for Kaze No Mukou E when I rushed back to the backstage for a change of clothes for my solo-corner. I stared at the shirt I’m going to change into for a moment. The four of us had agreed that there is only one outfit befitting each of our solo which we dedicated for Aiba-kun. It’s the shirt Aiba-kun gave to us for our birthday. Clutching at the fabric tightly, I feel myself tearing up. I was lost in my own thoughts until one of the staff call me to tell me that it’s almost time. I quickly put on the shirt before running to my supposed position and wait for the song transition before making an appearance. I listened to the melody as I took a deep breath, readying myself for this song I sing for Aiba-kun.  
  
**_“Sora ni kagayaku yo kirari, hoshi ga jiwari nijindekuyo_**  
**_Kanashii hodo kirei da ne_**  
  
**_Hanashi wo kiite hoshii koto are mo kore mo aru keredo_**  
**_Nigirishimete dakishimete, shiwakucha no mama_**  
  
**_Hoshi ni negau to itsuka kanau to iu keredo_**  
**_Yume no naka de shika bokura towa ni mou aenai”_**  
  
My voice breaks as I sang that part. It was so surreal I almost couldn’t believe it. But it’s the truth. No matter how many wishes we made upon the stars, we can never see Aiba-kun ever again.  
  
**_“Sora ni kagayaku yo kirari hoshi ga jiwari nijindeku yo_**  
**_Kaerimichi namida ga tomaranai boku wa zutto_**  
**_Sora ni omoide ga porori namida horori koboreteku yo_**  
**_Kanashii hodo kirei da ne”_**  
  
There were times when I will just huddled on my bed, crying all my hearts out, overwhelmed by the loss. And at those times, I will be reminded to the times in the past when we’re still together, and wishing that it had all been but a dream.  
  
**_“Kanashimi wo wakeatte namida no kazu herasu yori_**  
**_Yorokobi wo wakachiaenai hou ga tsurai ne_**  
  
**_Mabuta no oku ni utsuru koboreru egao ga_**  
**_Ima demo yuuki kureru yo, Mou ichido aitai_**  
  
**_Sora ni mukatte utau yo, sou utau yo, koe no kagiri_**  
**_Fushigi da ne hitori janainda boku wa zutto_**  
**_Sora ni mukai te wo furu yo kono te furu yo chikara komete_**  
**_Sore ga bokura no sain”_**  
  
In everything I do, Aiba-kun’s smiles were always reflected back at me. At it hurts because it makes me want to see him again while knowing that I can’t. And when I look up to the sky, it’s a strange thing but I feel like someone is looking back at me and I will unconsciously wave my hand up. I felt so stupid, but a small smile will formed on my lips and for once, I felt at ease after I did so.  
  
**_“Tanoshikute mo, kurushikute mo_**  
**_Mou bokura wa aenai donna ni negattete mo_**  
  
**_Sora ni kagayaku yo kirari hoshi ga jiwari nijindeku yo_**  
**_Kaerimichi namida ga tomaranai boku wa zutto_**  
**_Sora ni omoide ga porori namida horori kobereteku yo_**  
**_Kanashii hodo kirei da ne_**  
  
**_Sora ni mukatte utau yo sou utau yo koe no kagiri_**  
**_Fushigi da ne hitori janainda boku wa zutto_**  
**_Itsumademo wasurenai yo wasurenai yo kimi to itsuka_**  
**_Sora ni egaita mirai”_**  
  
We can never see each other ever again, that much I know. That is the exact reason I sing and sing and sing until my voice gone. So that it will be delivered to you that we will never ever forget you no matter what. The four of us will be on our different ways from now on, but our memories of you will never change. I can only hope you understand.  
  
***  
  
*Nino’s Side*  
  
I watched how Sho-san cried after his solo as he walked to the backstage. A VTR is being played by now so the four of us had a little time to huddle up together and try to console each other. It’d been months but the pain is still so raw for us. Most of the nights, I will still wake up from the nightmares of re-living that night over and over again. That was why I immersed myself into games more lately, to distract my mind and prevent the nightmares from returning. Which didn’t really work if I have to say.  
  
Being in a concert reminds me of how we often teased Aiba-shi during our concerts in the past. And it was bittersweet, to remember them all now. Looking back, the man never really get mad at us for teasing him. On the contrary, his tension seemed to rose instead. Aiba-shi was kind. A little too kind perhaps.  
  
We sing another few songs before it’s finally my turn to sing solo. I returned backstage to change my outfit before running back to my position. Lots of thoughts passed by me as I stood on stand-by, waiting for the cue while fiddling with the hem of the t-shirt Aiba-chan made for us with all his might. I remembered the moment I decided to sing this song. Aiba-chan was a reflection of summer, always full of energy. But after he was gone, the summer heat was turned into a cold winter. It was as if, the sushine was suddenly replaced by the snow. It was snowing when Aiba-chan passed away. It was snowing when the four of us returned to his tomb after his funeral.  
  
“It is still snowing inside of me...” I whispered to myself as I face the stage.  
  
Aiba-shi, this song is for you.  
  
**_“Azayaka ni shimitsuita itoshii omokage_**  
**_Yowai jibun wo shitta anata ni deatte kara_**  
  
**_Kakaekirenai itami wo oshikoroseba_**  
**_Todokanu omoi tsunoru dake_**  
  
**_Yuki wa tada shizuka ni marude anata no you ni_**  
**_Kono kata ni maiorite sotto hohoemu_**  
**_Te de furereba kitto kieteshimau kara kono mama de_**  
**_Hitori me wo toji anata kanjiru”_**  
  
I’ve learnt another side of me after I met you and you showed me the world from a different point of view. You changed me from who I was to who I am right now. I was a shut-down kid who was bullied at school, and was on the verge of giving up the world when you came. I owe you more than a career in the entertainment world, Aiba-shi. I owe you my life.  
  
**_“Nemutta yokogao ni yasashiku kuchidzuke_**  
**_Sunao ni ienakute furueru mune kakusu_**  
  
**_Sono egao tada shinjite dakishimereba_**  
**_Kiseki no oto ga hibiku sora_**  
  
**_Yuki wa tada shizuka ni marude anata no you ni_**  
**_Kono kata ni maiorite sotto hohoemu_**  
**_Te de furereba kitto kieteshimau kara kono mama de_**  
**_Hitori me wo toji anata kanjiru”_**  
  
It was your smiles which had me believed in the world and tried to challenge life once again. It was you who taught me how to live. It was you who had convinced me that miracles exist. You had conducted many miracles so many times before, so why can’t you make one this time ?  
  
**_“Shiroku moeru koi wa mayuikonda kaze maiagatte toosugiru_**  
**_Anata no moto e tadotte yuku no darou_**  
  
**_Anata ga nozomu nara kono mi wo sasageyou_**  
**_Furikakaru kanashimi wo subete azukete_**  
  
**_Haru wo mukaeru you ni dakishimeai_**  
**_Tokete yukeru nara nani mo iranai no ni”_**  
  
We were always together, weren’t we ? You will follow me wherever I go and I promised you that I have to follow you wherever you go as well. But Aiba-chan, you have gone to a distant place where I couldn’t reach you, so how can I keep my promise ? We always shared everything in the past, so why can’t you share your pain that time with me as well ?  
  
**_“Yuki wa tada shizuka ni marude anata no you ni_**  
**_Kono kata ni maiorite sotto hohoemu_**  
**_Te de furereba kitto kieteshimau kara kono mama de_**  
**_Hitori me wo toji anata kanjiru_**  
  
**_Eien ni kanawanai_**  
**_Sore demo itoshii hito yo”_**  
  
I’m quite sure I’m openly crying by now but I coulnd’t care less. I don’t want anything else but for you to stay here, Aiba-chan, is that too much of a wish ? You’re so dear to me, so why do you have to disappear ? Why do you have to leave, why can’t we still be together ? Why, Aiba-shi, why ?  
  
***  
  
*Riida’s Side*  
  
We approached Nino who is still crying on-stage after he finished his solo. As of lately, Nino cried far too easily that I start to worry about his emotion stability. It had been hard to all of us, but it was the hardest for Nino, we all know it. The least we could do is to try and be with each other for as much as we could.  
  
The light of the stage dimmed as we entered my solo-corner. Dance had always been my virtue, so I always put an original moves especially on my solo. The tempo of the song was slowed down as to match my movement. But on the side note, I find it better this way.  
  
**_“Kuchibiru ni ochita kotoba wo nuguou to nobashita kono te wa_**  
**_Yukiba nai omoi wo shizuka ni tsutsunde iku_**  
  
**_Yume wa itsuka nakusu mono da to itta no wa dare_**  
**_Boku wa sore wo warai tobashite ashita wo erande iku_**  
  
**_Negai hitotsu hoshi janakute anata e sotto inoru_**  
**_Datte sore wa anata dake ni okoseru kiseki dakara_**  
**_Nando datte ima bokura no subete de sotto inoru_**  
**_Sou kimi e todoke tooku no sora negai de tsunagatte iku you ni”_**  
  
I tried not to think about anything, but it was hard knowing to whom I deliver this song for. The strong feeling to wish was the same feeling I possess right now. Of how I wish for things to went differently, of how I wish for Aiba-chan to never leave at all. Of how I wish for a miracle to happen and undone this sadness away.  
  
**_“Atarashii asa wo shiru tabi taisetsuna mono wo nakushiteru_**  
**_Sono tabi ni asu no itoshisa wo kanjirareru_**  
  
**_Sora ni ukabu hoshi ya tsuki wo shitta no wa itsu_**  
**_Boku wa ikite tsukiru koto nai eien wo tsunaide iru_**  
  
**_Negai hitotsu hoshi janakute anata e sotto inoru_**  
**_Datte kimi no egao dake ga okoseru kiseki dakara_**  
**_Nando datte ima bokura no subete de sotto inoru_**  
**_Sou kimi e todoke itsumade demo negai ga hibiki aimasu you ni”_**  
  
We’ve lost someone dear to us, and since that day, we’ve lost many important things everyday. I begin to realize how important it is to wake up and find out you’re still alive in the morning, but at the same time I dreaded it because it means I have to wake up from the dream I built to protect myself and be shoved back into the harsh reality. And thus I can only keep on wishing, while remembering your smiles, for you.  
  
**_“Yozora wo miageteru kimi mo boku mo_**  
**_Onaji omoi ga kanaerareru hi made_**  
  
**_Negai hitotsu hoshi janakute anata e sotto inoru_**  
**_Datte sore wa anata dake ni okoseru kiseki dakara_**  
**_Nando datte ima bokura no subete de sotto inoru_**  
**_Sou kimi e todoke tooku no sora negai de tsunagatte iku you ni”_**  
  
I took a deep breath as the last of the song drifted back and the light around me dimmed. I gave myself time before I walked back to the dressing room for a change of clothes. I passed by Sho-kun and we both exchanged knowing looks. We’re more than half-way through the concert. It’s almost time for that.  
  
***  
  
*Jun’s Side*  
  
It was almost my turn for the solo-corner but I’m still a mess. After my corner, we will sing a few more songs before we go to our usual individual speeches. And my mind is already flying ahead of time as I keep on thinking for the speeches and the announcement we are about to make. It’s not like I’m nervous, neither I hesitated for it. It’s just, whenever the thought crossed my mind, a feeling of melancholy washed over me. I guess I’m being overly-sentimental today.  
  
I readied myself to enter my corner while remembering those days Riida taught us the dance moves for this song. Aiba-kun was the last to master the choreography, as per usual, but Riida didn’t seem to mind staying more to watched Aiba-kun repeated his moves over and over again. I smiled at the memory as I start singing.  
  
**_“Sayonara ima, sayonara kara_**  
  
**_Hitotsuzutsu hitotsuzutsu bokura ga miteta sekai wa_**  
**_Samishisa wo okizari ni nichijou e to nomi komareru_**  
  
**_Ikutsumo no ‘moshimo’ ga matowari tsuita mama_**  
**_Donna kotoba wo narabeta toshitemo kimi wa mou inai”_**  
  
My voice cracked at the last words as the fact was shoved back at me hard. That’s right. No matter how we phrased it, Aiba-kun is not here anymore.  
  
**_“Nigiyaka na kono machi no katasumi de nanimo dekinai boku ga iru_**  
**_Karamawari surikirete yuku kokoro ga mada furueteru_**  
**_Shiroi tameiki kara (koborete yuku) kimi no nukumori sae (omoidasezu)_**  
**_Deru hazu mo nai kotae sagashi tsukarete kyou mo nemuri ni tsuku_**  
  
**_Mou sukoshi ato sukoshi tsuyoku aritai to negaeba_**  
**_Sono tabi ni okubyou da to omoi shiresareru dake_**  
  
**_Sorezore no kioku wa katachi wo kaeru kedo_**  
**_Kimi no kotoba ni uso wa nai koto wo zutto shinjite itai_**  
  
**_Dore dake toki ga nagareta toshitemo wasurerarenai kimi ga iru_**  
**_Ibutsu na mama kakae konda kokoro ga mada uzuiteru_**  
**_Itsuka mita yume nara (hanarete yuku) boku wo yobu koe sae (kasurete yuku)_**  
**_Iku ate no nai namida wa kidzukarenu mama sotto nagarete yuku”_**  
  
Things might change now. But you know Aiba-kun ? Only you will never change. Only you we will never forget. Even at nights, I still catch myself calling out for you, begging you to come back to us in my sleep, with the tear-tracks drying on my cheeks. I begin to understand now how much sufferings you must have felt during those last few months as you struggled by yourself, unable to say a thing to any of us.  
  
**_“Ano hi tomatta mama no sekai de_**  
**_Nani wo tsutaetara ii imi mo wakaranai yo_**  
**_Dore dake toki ga nagareta toshitemo_**  
  
**_Nigiyaka na kono machi no katasumi de nanimo dekinai boku ga iru_**  
**_Karamawari surikirete yuku kokoro ga mada furueteru_**  
**_Shiroi tameiki kara (koborete yuku) kimi no nukumori sae (omoidasezu)_**  
**_Deru hazu mo nai kotae sagashi tsukarete kyou mo nemuri ni tsuku_**  
  
**_Wasurenai kara, wasurenai kara”_**  
  
Indeed, the world has stopped for us since that day, leaving us trapped in this empty space with no way out. We were getting nowhere, I know. We can’t do athing about it, I know. But we can’t help but keep on searching aimlessly, eventhough we know there is no answer to our questions. We just can’t forget, Aiba-kun. We just can’t.


	11. Chapter 11

*Arashi’s Side*  
  
We just sang our latest single as we took our respective spots before giving our individual speeches. We wore the same outfite we wore when we last sing together with Aiba-chan. We give out our speeches, conveying how much we thank the fans for coming, and on how we feel after Aiba-chan leave, and on how we dedicated this concert for him. MatsuJun had finally finished his part and it was the time for us to announce that Arashi is disbanded from now on.  
  
“Everyone, we actually have an announcement to make today.” Riida is taking a deep breath before he continue, “Starting from today, Arashi is-“ His words were cut short when suddenly, the lighting flashed and an almost forgotten voice resounded throughout the venue.  
  
 ** _“Happy birthday to you_**  
 ** _Happy birthday to you_**  
 ** _Happy birthday dear Arashi_**  
 ** _Happy birthday to you...”_**  
  
The pale-looking man, with slightly false high-pitched voice greeted us as we turned around and watch the huge screen. Aiba-chan is waving from where he sat on his hospital bed while flashing a huge grin towards us.  
  
“Happy 18th anniversary Arashi !” He greeted cheerfully. “It’s amazing how far you’ve gone, eh ? I’m proud of you guys ! Nice job !” He added with his two thumbs up. “I’m sorry for leaving earlier. Truth is, I still want to perform with you instead of being stucked in this hospital room whick reeks of antibiotics. I’m sick of them already, you know !” He pouted and we couldn’t stop a chuckle from his childish remarks. “I’m really thankful to you guys, especially at that time you brought me to Tokyo Dome and we sang together one last time. At that moment, I know I won’t have anymore regrets. It’s too bad I can’t be there with you now, but I hope you know that I will always cheer for you from wherever I am. That’s a promise !”  
  
His features softened after and his eyes shine serenely, as if he could look exactly at our hearts.  
  
“You see, I asked Ryu-chan to record this video and to deliver it to you guys on your 18th anniversary. If everything went well for you, then the message should have be cut by now. But if you’re watching up until this part, it means that my worst nightmare is about to be a reality and I just have to do something about it.” Aiba-chan took a deep breath as he bit on his lower lips.  
  
“Riida, please stop this. MatsuJun, Sho-chan, Nino, too, please don’t do this.” His voice weakened to a mere whisper by now. “Please stop whatever it is you are doing. I know it’s painful, I know it’s difficult, but please reconsider. You’ve come this far after so many things, it’s not fair for anyone if you do this. And I won’t be able to leave peacefully, too, knowing that...”  
  
Aiba-chan shook his head as he wiped his eyes frantically before continuing.  
  
“I don’t want to be the reason for Arashi to disband. I don’t want you guys to stop being Arashi just because I’m no longer there. I can’t leave knowing I will be the reason everything is over between Arashi. Please, guys, please know that if I could, I want to stay with you guys, doing things we always do and caring about nothing.” He drew a shaky breath. “But fate do wonders and God decided that this is the best for me, for us. I want to stay with with you but if by staying Arashi will be gone, then I’d rather leave. You are precious to me, Arashi is precious to me, and I won’t exchange you for the world. That’s why, please, please stay. For me, okay ? Please give Arashi another chance. I’m sure you will find something beautiful after this storm. Please don’t stop your time and dwell in the past when the future hold so many precious things for you to see. So please, okay ?”  
  
A broken yet the most beautiful smile is being sent to us as Aiba-chan tried to stop himself from crying. And we stood still, unable to move a muscle. Aiba-chan’s words are like a lightning hitting us dead on, and it feels like we are finally awake from a very very long sleep. We don’t even realized that we’ve been living a dream all this time.  
  
“God believes that this is the best for me, and all I can do is accept it all. God had also prepare wonderful paths for you, and all you have to do is to believe in Him and accept it all. Trust me, it will be easier for you that way.” He gently said to us through the video message. “I want to sing you a song. One last song. If you are willing to hear my raspy and false voice, here we go !”  
  
A slower, more mellow version of a familiar song is heard. Aiba-chan smiled before he start singing:  
  
 ** _“Moshi boku ga ano hi sukoshi chigau mirai wo eranda toshitara_**  
 ** _Yurete iru mado no utsuru minareta hibi ni toikaketeru_**  
 ** _Hito wa dare mo akogare kizutsuki_**  
 ** _Tada hitotsu eranda ima wo taisetsu ni shinagara kitto ikite iru_**  
  
 ** _Arinomama de mou ikkai arukidasou kanashimi koete_**  
 ** _Dare no demonai na mo naki michi wo_**  
 ** _Ashita mo sou yume ni mukatte nayande waratte waratte_**  
 ** _Ima koko ni iru boku ga boku no subete sore dake wa kawaranai_**  
  
 ** _Moshi boku ga ano hi kimi ni tsuyogari mo sezu sunao de iretara_**  
 ** _Futo mune ni ukabu omoi setsunai keredo ima wa itoshii_**  
 ** _Hito wa dare mo deai to wakare ni sorezore no omoide kasane_**  
 ** _Atarashii ashita wo zutto ikite yuku_**  
  
 ** _Boku wa boku no jinsei mo unmei mo dakishimete yukou_**  
 ** _Hitotsu hitotsu ga kagayaku tame ni_**  
 ** _Haru aki natsu fuyu wo hashitte hashitte hashitte hashitte_**  
 ** _Tashika na koto wa boku ga tsukutta michi sore dake wa kawaranai_**  
  
 ** _Sou mikansei de tachitomatta fuan wo hakanaku mo sugisatta jikan mo_**  
 ** _Arinomama no jibun wo uke iretara_**  
 ** _Kono chikai de mirai wo kirihiraku you ni kono omoi ga todokimasu you ni_**  
 ** _Ima ijou ni jibun no koto shinjiru yo_**  
  
 ** _Arinomama de mou ikkai arukidasou kanashimi koete_**  
 ** _Dare no demonai na mo naki michi wo_**  
 ** _Ashita mo sou yume ni mukatte nayande waratte waratte_**  
 ** _Tashika na koto wa hitotsu dake_**  
  
 ** _Boku wa boku no jinsei mo unmei mo dakishimete yukou_**  
 ** _Hitotsu hitotsu ga kagayaku tame ni_**  
 ** _Haru aki natsu fuyu wo hashitte hashitte hashitte hashitte_**  
 ** _Tashika na koto wa boku ga tsukutta michi sore dake wa kawaranai”_**  
  
We had understood, Aiba-chan, on what you tried to convey to us through this song and this whole video message. But it’s not easy, to stand back up, and start walking once again, to overcome our sadness of losing you, to face our dreams and worry and laugh and smile, to hold on and going forward, to run through the seasons, to keep on living, to accept the fat, the truth and simply everything as we are, to simply trust ourselves...  
  
An echo of cries are heard throughout the venue. The fans, even the staffs, are crying along with us, we all mourn over the loss of our dearest person, of his last words he left for us four. And before we know it, we are all embracing each other tight, remembering the times in the past and wondering what had gone wrong. And there, in the middle of our confusion, Aiba-chan’s voice came back:  
  
“I know that life is not all about rainbow and flowers and pastel colours. I’ve been there, and I’ve seen the darkest side of life that I felt like giving up right at that moment. But I didn’t. Because I know I will be a disappointment to many people if I did and I seriously don’t want that. I’ve been a burden enough without me losing the will to fight. And so I smile instead. I smile not because it’s a happy time for me. I smile because I want to believe that by smiling, things will be all better and everyone will be happy. And if I’m allowed to be selfish one last time, I want you guys to do the same, too. Please smile. Smile and believe, the grey won’t last forever. Smile, because your smiles will bring hope and courage to thousands of people out there. And smile, with the knowledge that I’m smiling for you from wherever I am as well.” Aiba-chan averted his eyes for a second. “You’re strong, guys. I know it better than anyone else. This –me leaving and all- is not enough to bring you down. I just know it. That’s why, please, don’t betray my expectation for you guys. I beg you.”  
  
Aiba-chan bowed deeply from his seating position, and our emotions are in turmoil. We no longer know which path to choose.  
  
“MatsuJun, Nino, Riida, Sho-chan, I love you guys, and it will never change. And all of Arashi’s fans, who came to this concert and who cannot came, I hope you will always give your support to Arashi even from now on. This is a difficult time for them all, and your love and support is greatly needed. Everyone, thank you. It’s all because of you I can last this far. Thank you.”  
  
And the video faded with a distant melody of Boku Ga Boku No Subete in the background. The video message is over, but we still haven’t moved an inch from each other’s embrace. That is until MatsuJun pulled back while wiping his face hastily.  
  
“As expected, I can’t do this guys.” He said firmly. “It hurts to still be in Arashi, but I love Arashi too much to let it go this easily. Aiba-chan is right, I –no, we need to give Arashi a second chance.” He looked up at us, eyes shone in sheer determination.  
  
“I don’t know, MatsuJun.” Sho-kun sighed. “I just don’t know anymore.”  
  
“Aiba-shi is not fair.” Nino suddenly whispered from between Riida and Sho-chan. “Doing all of this, that guy really know us.”  
  
“That shows how much he loves Arashi, right ?” Riida commented softly, eyes looking up to the darkening sky. “After all, among us five, he’s the one who loves Arashi most despite being the most clueless at the beginning. But that’s what special about him. That’s what makes Aiba-chan, Aiba-chan.”  
  
The four of us are back to our silence as each of us are drowned in our thoughts, until Riida broke the silence with a huge smile on his face.  
  
“Let’s do this, guys ! Let’s make this anniversary the best anniversary ever ! And let’s try to make it even better next year and the year after that and the year after that !” His eyes sparkling as he talked. “Let’s fulfil Aiba-chan’s last wish ! Let’s keep on going with Arashi !”  
  
“But Riida-“ Nino tried.  
  
“On that last concert with Aiba-chan two years ago, he told me to be a Leader for once, especially then when a hurdle is upon us. That’s why I did, because that’s what he expected me to be.” Riida told the three of us serenely. “And now, he expected us to keep on going despite everything, and can we betray his expectation of us ? Are we that evil ?”  
  
A hand is placed on top of Riida’s trembling one. And as he looked up, he saw Sho-chan looking softly at him.  
  
“Riida is right. We shouldn’t waste Aiba-kun’s last efforts to keep us together. If we insist on disbanding, I personally won’t be able to face Aiba-kun ever again.” Sho-chan said, his voice calm yet firm.  
  
The three of us are finally came to term to give Arashi another chance. But we noticed that Nino is still doubting.  
  
“I don’t know guys.” Nino shook his head. “I don’t know if I can do this. Everything we do will just be a painful reminder of what we used to do with Aiba-shi and I’m not sure I can survive that.”  
  
“I know. I know that things won’t go as smooth as we want them to be. I know that painful memories will keep on coming back to us if we choose this path.” Sho-chan pat Nino’s head, trying to console the younger man. “But wouldn’t that make us stronger ? Wouldn’t that make Aiba-kun proud of us ? You heard him, Nino. We can’t dwell in the past forever. Sooner or later, we will have to move forward and it will be hard for sure. But we’re not alone in this. There are four of us to fight and overcome this difficult time together. We won’t be stucked inside the storm forever. I’m sure we will find a light if we keep on moving.”  
  
Nino said nothing as he looked down for what feels like forever. Until he finally sighed and looked up, eyes clearer than they ever did for the past few months.  
  
“You’re wrong, Sho-kun. There won’t be four of us in this.” He told them, voice calm and composed. “There are five of us to face this all. After all, Arashi is five and it will always be five.”  
  
A series of relieved smiles are formed in the four members’ face.  
  
“Let’s do this guys. Let’s give the people a blast !”


	12. Epilogue

*Nino’s Side*  
  
The anniversary concert was a huge success. Lots of people are sending their support to Arashi from all over the world. But what surprised us the most was the fact that everyone still send the letters and gifts to Aiba-shi as well. It’s as if, people are still seeing Arashi as five and that Aiba-shi is still a member of Arashi. And we can’t be more than grateful for that.  
  
We decided to give Arashi another chance, as Aiba wished, and Johnny-san is more than welcoming us to return. He told us that our contracts with the various TV shows and magazines are still intact, and said that he was lying when he told us he had already cut the contracts. He said he believed in us –and in Aiba- that we will change our mind eventually.  
  
Before we know it, it’s winter already. No concert tour this year, but we had planned to make a mini-live on December, 24th. First is to commemorate Aiba-shi’s first death anniversary, but it’s more like to celebrate his birthday. We had booked Tokyo Dome where we would held the event, and had made the entrance-fee to be free. Many people balloted for the seats –even when they had to pay a great deal of money, lots of people are queueing for the tickets already- and sell goods where all the profits will be donated to cancer institution. We hope that by doing this, there will be more people who will be saved from the disease which took Aiba-shi away, and we hope that he will be proud of us from heaven.  
  
We don’t do many dancing songs this time. Only few songs to convey our feelings towards Aiba-chan in which the fans are singing along with us.  
  
I take a deep breath as I ready myself for the next song. Wiping the sweat off of my forehead, I place my fingers on top of the key of the piano, before they move away, playing the melody I remembered by heart.  
  
This is a song I created once in a spur of moment. I never expected this to actually happen to me. Not necessarily to a girlfriend the song told about, but to my dearest nevertheless. Our dearest, and beloved friend.  
  
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Sho-chan, basking in the highlight hovering above him, trying to keep himself from breaking before he has to sing his part.  
  
**_"Wakari yasuku sou kantan ni_**  
**_Kimi mo boku mo wakaru gurai kantan ni_**  
**_Tsutaete miyou, 'Suki nanda yo'"_**  
  
It's true. We love you, Aiba-chan. It's as simple as that. Do you know that ?  
  
The light dimmed around Sho-chan and now it's J's turn to be on the spotlight. He's like our usual superstar MJ, for sure. But today, he seems, more serene, more sincere.  
  
**_"Kage wo kasaneta ano basho no koto ya_**  
**_Onaji toki wo aruki tsunaide kita koto ya_**  
**_Sonna toki wo zenbu kaete"_**  
  
Do you remember, Aiba-chan ? Those days we spent as 'The Sobusen Buddy'. I never tell anyone about it, but, to me, those days were really precious that sometimes I wish to just go back to those joyful and carefree days where we can laugh freely at our own stupidness or panicking when we miss our stop because we somehow dozed off on the train.  
  
Jun looked down on his feet as soon as he finished with part shakily. And Riida took his place on the spotlight as he slowly put the microphone in front of his lips.  
  
**_"Utaeru you ni, todoku you ni,_**  
**_Kimi wo mukae ni iketara na"_**  
  
We miss you already, Aiba-chan. We'd give the world just so we can go and see you up and around, giggling that infectious giggles of yours, lighting our dull days of the same boring routine.  
  
The three of them now are shone by the lights, holding their heads up, and sing :  
  
**_"Boku ni wa wakarunda, kimi no iru basho ga_**  
**_Marude mieteru ka no you ni, tonari ni iru you ni_**  
**_Dakara tsurainda, wakatteiru kara, doushitemo ikenaindai_**  
**_'Mada mada ganbare' tte soko kara kimi wa warau kara"_**  
  
I know, Aiba-chan. We all know. That you've gone to a place where none of us could even reach. But being here, in this place we used to dreamt off, it felt as if you're here right beside us. And it makes us harder to let you go, because eventhough you felt so near, you're so far. And the only thing remains from your presence is that fading smile of yours...  
  
My hands are moving on their own. I don't even try, but they keep on playing the melody continously. I don't even remember since when we're reaching the second verse until Riida's voice ringing on my ears, just as Jun retreated himself after singing his part.  
  
**_"Kimi ni gohan wo tsukutte_**  
**_Kimi ni suki na mono wo dashite_**  
**_Demo heranai_**  
**_Sore ni mo nareta yo"_**  
  
Come to think of it, you've always complained on how I keep on showing at your place and asked you to cook for me, haven't you ? And I will promise you that next time it's going to be me cooking, but I never got the chance. Or more like, I'm avoiding the subject. But you see, Aiba-chan ? I'm cooking now. I was cooking just last night as well. For you. But then I remembered that you're not even here to eat them, so I threw them away. It's your favourite karaage, you know.  
  
**_"Kondo umaku, tsukuttara_**  
**_Sonna wake na no ni ganbatte miru"_**  
  
Sho-chan tries, too. He was never the best cook in our team, but lately, he cooks often. I wonder why. Perhaps, it was just as he sang ? Because of a wish that if he's good enough, then perhaps you'll return to us to try them and say, "They're delicious, Sho-chan !" like you always did even if what Sho-chan cooked tasted like burnt rubber.  
  
**_"Kimi ni wa miete, boku ni wa mienai_**  
**_Yopparatta ikioi de 'zurui' to tsubuyaku_**  
**_Dou kana? Boku wa chotto kawatta no kana?_**  
**_'Darashinaku natte kita?'_**  
**_Mado kaze ni notte kikoeta, aikawarazu da na"_**  
  
Sometimes I heard your voice when I opened my window at night. I told the others and they said they heard you, too. It got me wondering, are you watching us from wherever you are ? If you do, what do you think of the present us ? You're not fair, you know. Being the only one who could see us. We want to see you too, idiot.  
  
My fingers stopped when I'm about to enter the climax. I turn at my bandmates, and see them looking back at me with meaningful looks. I smile, and nod my head. I take a deep breath and put my heart into the lyrics I'm singing.  
  
**_"Yasashiku warau kimi ga, ano jikan ga kuukan ga_**  
**_Nakitaku naru kurai ichiban daiji na mono da yo"_**  
  
Your smiles are always kind, Aiba-chan. They're always the ones to fix my mood whenever I was down. And I'm down now. I need your smiles. Aiba-chan, can't we just return to those times we spent together without caring about the world around us ? Aiba-chan, why do you have to leave ? You're so important for me -to us- so please, don't go. We've cried and cried and cried and it's just not enough.  
  
I start playing on the piano again as the other three Arashi members joining me to finish the song.  
  
**_"Nante itteta koro wa ienakatta_**  
**_Doushite ienakatta kana?_**  
**_Miageta saki no mono yori, kimi wa.. kimi wa...”_**  
  
We have so many things we have yet to tell you, Aiba-chan. You can't do this to us. You can't leave us just yet. You just can't.  
  
I look down and try to hide the tears from being seen by the fans. I've been mourning since that day, and I just can't stop. My breath hitched as I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up and see Sho's face, just as tearful as I am, smiling sadly at me, sending messages without words with those eyes. And as I look around me, I see Jun and Satoshi, standing there beside me, eyes red with tears, sorrow clear on their face.  
  
And I remember.  
  
Of that fateful day. The last day the five spent together on the wet grass after the drizzle. And we lied side-by-side after a series of laughters, watching the sky clearing above us.  
  
"It's beautiful." We heard you say, pointing at something on the far sky.  
  
"Yeah." Sho responded to your words, and the rest of us just hummed in agreement.  
  
But Aiba-chan, at that day, and even now, we all believe that compared to the seven-coloured rainbow after the rain, you're much much more beautiful. And we should say this sooner, when we still had the chance, but..  
  
The four of us just stay there, consoling each other from the pain of losing someone important in our lives. Trying to re-find our path after being shoved to the depth of darkness, clinging to that last ray of light you left on us. And then we hear you.  
  
Fading through the swaying wind out of nowhere, we can hear your voice, whispering words we barely understood, as if you’re trying to encourage us.  
  
We've long since we needed words to express our feelings, right, Aiba-chan ? But sometimes, words are still needed. And that fading voice was the string we need to pull the strength to move forward.  
  
**_‘Thank you...’_**  
  
No, it’s ‘Thank you’ for you, you idiot. Aiba-chan, wherever you are, whatever you do, please keep on looking out for us. We love you, our idiotic but lovely Aiba-chan. Our miracle boy. From now on, too, we will do our best as Arashi. For your part as well. Best regards, from your bestest friend who miss you, Ninomiya Kazunari.  
  
**_“Ima nara ieru, niji yori, kimi wa kirei da..."_**  
  
P.S : You better not tell anyone I said I miss you, you idiot.


End file.
